Since That Summer
by acciomanda
Summary: Harry is haunted by the pain in his life and the pain of living with his Uncle. Snape is haunted by Lily and finds solace in alcohol. Can the two help each other? SEVERITUS,SELF HARM,ABUSE,SUBSTANCE ABUSE.
1. Taste of freedom

**_Disclaimer: I do not own under any circumstance the wonderful world that is Harry Potter, I am merely borrowing it (:_**

**_Contains abuse and self-harm. Hit the back button if you don't like._**

Darkness claimed him.

Harry's eyes flickered to a comfortable close, he could finally breathe again, steadily filling himself with air, exhaling through the searing pain. His arm lay awkwardly on his knee, allowing the crimson blood to travel into the crook of his arm and spill over the sides and onto his jeans. The slash just below his wrist was barely visible from the amount of blood that was now surfacing. Voices drifted in and out of his head, the constant sound of pain, grief and hurt overwhelmed him, his heart screaming, his own cry sounding. The ghostly face of Sirius Black was glaring from above Harry, his grin laughing, not with amusement but pity. Harry tried hard to block out what was now going to come, the taunting, the blame. His eyes pressed harder to a shut, tears cornering the blazing green eyes that somehow lost their spark over the summer.

"I'm gone, Harry."

Harry squirmed. He hated the ghost of his godfather, he hated how he was cruelly reminded every time that he was responsible for the death, he hated how no matter what he did it was impossible to block out. He hated himself.

"_You_ killed me, Harry."

Trying harder now, Harry pulled himself mentally out of the image, Sirius was somehow pushing him back down, throwing him to the ground. He twitched his fingers as the blood loss was beginning to take a hold of his body and the weakened state it was already in. Sirius jeered, throwing his head back in a maniacal laughter.

"Do you think that anyone wants to be around you anymore?" Sirius pressed on. "Ron, Hermione, Dumbledore they are all having fun without you, all of them have forgotten you. _The Chosen One."_ Sirius scoffed. Harry winced from not the pain but those three words.

The Chosen One. Couldn't Harry be like any other normal sixteen year old with normal families and normal teenage situations? These questions replayed endlessly in his mind, never an answer, never a solution.

Harry was sinking into a deep unconscious sleep where only his nightmares could now haunt him, the nightmare of his life, and the recurring disasters that only happened to him.

Where was the exit?

----

"You lazy bastard." Uncle Vernon growled, kicking Harry hard in the shin as he lay slumped against the side of the wardrobe, arm sleeve down but still drenched in blood. Harry's eyes opened slowly, the vision before him made his stomach ache, his head spin and his arm sear. His uncle was towered over him holding a large leather belt, clutching it in his right hand, his left hand reached out for Harry grabbing his collar.

"You disobeyed me." Vernon muttered threateningly. "I told you, to be up six o'clock sharp to start breakfast. And where were you?" Noticing this as a question to be answered, Harry obediently stood, stumbling a little as he got to his feet. He could feel the burning of his uncle's stare as his piggy eyes bore into his arm, right where his new wound was.

"What did I tell you about that!" Vernon snatched Harry's left arm and wrenched up his sleeve to reveal a large cut in the middle of a series of glowing white scars up and down his arm. A months work of dealing with everything.

Harry bit on his lip and turned his head away. Vernon pressed an overlarge thumb against the wound until he heard Harry cry aloud, his teeth pierced his bottom lip, and Harry could feel a trickle of blood sliding down his chin. Vernon noticed the weakness, stopped and let go of Harry's arm. The pain was so shocking that Harry collapsed back to the floor, clutching his pained arm against his chest and rocking backwards and forwards slightly.

"Little freak." Vernon spat, whacking Harry across the head, knocking him to the floor and Harry lay breathing hard, his wound was beginning to bleed again. It was becoming difficult to fight against the racking pains in his body and with more additions every day Harry was slowly giving in.

"Up." Vernon gave Harry the chance to stand freely, but Harry was too weak to even move. Soon enough, Vernon's clammy hands forced him to his feet. Swaying, Harry leaned against the wardrobe.

It all happened suddenly.

The growls of his uncle and the lashes of the belt on Harry's back where the only two things Harry could here, he was spacing out rapidly, his eyes glazed over shutting every so often through the pain, his arms that were holding him upright were slacking. Vernon was hurling abuse at Harry and even his uncle was now sounding faint… his legs buckled and his head smacked into the doors of the wardrobe, sending him onto the floor in a pained slumber.

---

The streetlight flickered annoyingly, Harry could see through the skin of his eyelids the dirty orange colour that was projected into his bedroom. Realisation kicked him, and Harry started to move his legs slightly. They were stiff, and his arms heavy. Bruises were creeping onto the surface of his skin and Harry looked down at his left arm. A blood stained finger print of his uncle had been printed where he had pressed onto Harry's wound and Harry rubbed at it angrily, until his skin was red raw like that on his back. He crouched now, before standing himself upright against the wardrobe doors. It was night, the street view from his window was bare, and the house was silent.

Harry acted on instinct.

Rushing towards his bed as best he could, he heaved his trunk onto the bed sheets, opening it and throwing everything in sight into it. The last thing left to pack was the stained razor blade and the letters from Sirius. He tossed the letters on top of the mess and tucked the blade neatly inside a coat pocket so he could find it later.

It hurt to carry such a weight from his body, placing the trunk by the door Harry made sure he had his wand, before sending Hedwig out of the window, telling her to arrive prompt at the Leaky Cauldron where he would be staying.

Harry took a step towards the door, drawing his wand he pointed it at the key hole.

"Alohomora." He whispered, his voice cracking, the door creaked open and Harry dragged himself and his belongings out into the hall. There was no way he could risk fetching his broom, he levitated his trunk and with too much shake, it floated to the bottom making a few small noises as it banged against the walls, Harry followed.

Trunk, wand and Harry were all stood by the front door. This is it, Harry thought a little elated as he imagined how freedom would suit him. Smiling to himself, Harry raised his wand again, whispering the spell and the door clicked open.

A hand reached out for the handle…

"And where do you think you're going?"

The crown of hope that Harry had worn a second ago, had now been ripped into shreds diminished into shards of pain that would surely arrive much too soon. Too much suffering, too much endurance and nothing was going to get better. Harry turned frightened to look into the large face of Dudley Dursley was smirking as if he had won first prize.

**_A/N: So what did you think? Review and Rate! I love the encouragement and need it to carry on with chapter 2._**


	2. Stranger

**Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns everything I am about to write. I am doing this for entertainment purposes only and I am not getting paid for this. **

**Enjoy the second chapter!**

Dudley Dursley.

How convenient, Harry thought miserably. Dudley's pink face grinned tauntingly, he opened his mouth slowly teasing as if he was going to shout for his dad. Harry got there first.

Quickly, acting upon his intuition, even though it usually failed. He swiped the wand that was tucked into his waistband and watched as Dudley's malicious grin warped into a frown, his eyebrows twitched but he tried to keep cool.

"You wouldn't." He jeered, a hand reaching out for Harry's wand. Dudley's gaze was fixed upon the wand, he seemed to falter as he almost reached the tip with his fingertips. Harry raised the wand, and as he flipped it back down, he pointed it into Dudley's chest, saying the incantation in his head. His cousin toppled backwards onto the regal print rug, straight as an ironing board, lying there, rigid. Harry was breathing heavily.

What would the ministry do? Shaking his head as to mentally stop himself thinking of the consequence, he turned away from the scene and opening the door, a cool breeze filled his nostrils and Harry smiled elated. Here we go, he thought happily and he placed a foot over the door, the second one following suit.

Harry, his trunk and his now happy mind continued to walk hurriedly down the drive, he kicked the street sign that read 'Privet Drive' and felt as though a weight had been lifted from his chest. Feeling lost, Harry looked both ways, and decided to take the busiest road he didn't fancy being alone down the winding roads.

Walking down Wisteria Lane, Harry thought about the next day hopefully sat in a room with a comfortable bed, a view of the train station and food delivered whenever he felt hungry. The Leaky Cauldron was always there when Harry needed it.

With no sense of direction, or any inkling of how to get to London, Harry sighed heavily, before out of the corner of his eye he noticed a flash of purple coming up the road. The Knight Bus, not all hope was lost.

---

Dumbledore was perched behind his desk, his half-moon spectacles placed by the end of this crooked nose, his shook his head wearily.

"You wished to see me, Albus." Severus Snape was stood at the door, a bored expression was etched into the corners of his mouth. He sighed.

"I have things to be preparing," Snape pressed on, trying to hurry Albus along, what did he want to say? Couldn't he just spit it out? Snape couldn't help but feel annoyance at Dumbledore who had yet again denied his application to become Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher. Hadn't Snape shown nothing but loyalty, commitment and what had Dumbledore given him in return? Nothing.

"What is it?" Snape tapped his foot impatiently and Dumbledore looked up at the black haired man through the top of his glasses.

"I have just received a letter from Mrs Figg, the woman who keeps an eye on Harry during the-"

"I know who she is and what she does. If you haven't forgotten I am in the Order, Albus." Snape hissed. Dumbledore calmly smiled, this irritated Snape. So what had the brat done now?

"Yes, well it seems," Dumbledore continued, talking as though he had ignored the tone in Snape's voice. "That young Harry has ran away from his aunt and uncle's house." Dumbledore sighed, and Snape raised an eyebrow.

"What does this have to do with me?"

Dumbledore placed the letter onto the desk and looked back towards Snape. His hands met below his chin, fingertips tapping into each other.

"Go and find him. He can't have gone far. Try London, perhaps the Leaky Cauldron."

Snape glared, the corner of his mouth twitched angrily.

"You'd have me fetch Potter and bring him back to his aunt and uncle's?" Snape questioned. "Is that all you think of me? Why should I make the effort to go and find Potter when it was him who put himself in this mess anyway!" Snape exploded, he had moved into the office now, Dumbledore was still looking at him softly.

"I feel that there are some things going on, Severus." Dumbledore sighed. "Things that neither you or I had thought would happen. What was it that we agreed? Or rather you agreed… to keep Lily's son safe. And that is what you have to do."

Snape couldn't argue with that, he took a deep breath in and calmed himself. Dumbledore smiled.

"Good. I figure that you will do all that you can to find somewhere for Harry to stay during the remainder of the Summer. The Burrow would be a fine option." Dumbledore stood, and placed a hand onto Snape's shoulder, Snape watched him suspiciously.

"You know how it feels. You remember."

Snape avoided Dumbledore's intent look and suddenly understood everything. Was Potter going through the same things that Snape had done when he was at Hogwarts?

---

"The Leaky Cauldron."

Harry's heart was beating quickly, he smiled at Stan Shunpike, who patted his back as he stepped off the bus and it instantly disappeared around the corner. Harry had been left in the backstreets of London, the darkness was powerful and frightened Harry a little. Now where to go? He dragged him trunk with him as he walked towards the high street, a streetlight wavered and Harry squinted up at it. A full moon was apparent in the black sky, Harry shivered, a tremble of fear was creeping up his spine and his head jerked backwards as a crack was heard.

A crack?

Who was there?

That was definitely an apparition, paranoid Harry continued to walk faster, the weight of the trunk behind him was weighing him down so in any dangerous situation Harry would just have to abandon his belongings and run.

A hand touched his shoulder.

Gasping, Harry turned and instantly pulled out his wand.

The stranger was Severus Snape. What was Snape doing in the backstreets of London in the middle of the night? Unless…

"Dumbledore sent me." Snape's lip curled, Harry was absorbed in darkness and Snape couldn't see anything but the reflection from his glasses and the emerald green eyes behind them.

"What are you playing at, Potter?" Snape scoffed, "Thought you would run away for the attention? Has Potter not been having enough glory back at his aunt and uncles?" Snape knew that he had hit a nerve because Harry was glaring into Snape's taunting face. Cursing under his breath, Harry walked past Snape in the opposite direction. Snape rolled his eyes, he couldn't be bothered dealing with immature teenage issues.

Harry stood in the light from the streetlight and turned to face Snape.

"Don't bother following me."

Snape narrowed his eyes. Harry was looking unusually thin, dark circles were prominent under his eyes and he had a sort of limp when he walked. Perhaps, Dumbledore was right. Harry definitely looked as if someone had been into him. He sported a bruise under his chin and a cut below his lip.

"How did you cut your lip, Potter?" Snape asked casually. Harry touched the cut and looked into Snape's eyes.

"I bit it." He replied truthfully, Snape would be able to tell whether he was lying. Sighing, the Potions Master walked towards Harry, holding out his arm.

"I'm taking you to the Burrow." Snape spoke attentively, and watched as Harry's expression surprisingly changed, he frowned.

"I'm not going." Harry put his foot down like a spoilt child and Snape moved closer to him. Harry thought of how Hermione and Ron would react to his appearance… he couldn't be dealing with their fussing.

"You're going." Snape glowered. "That's final."

He grabbed Harry's arm hard and was surprised as Harry winced, drawing a sharp intake of breath. Pretending to dismiss this, Snape apparated with Harry. Harry was kicking himself for making a noise when Snape pressed onto his cut. How stupid, now Snape would know. Feeling the usual sensation of being sucked through a rubber rube, Harry felt a little nauseous.

He stumbled as they landed on the Burrow's doorstep. Snape let go of Harry and Harry rubbed his arm.

"The entire Order is here tonight so I shall be staying. First I will be speaking to Molly." Snape looked at Harry through the corner of his eye and Harry knew what he would be saying to Mrs Weasley. Snape knocked twice. Harry's heart was beating fast.

Snape had a small emotion of pity for Harry as he looked at the skinny boy stood beside him, Harry reminded Snape of himself… Snape had been through it all too.

Clearing his throat he heard footsteps in the hall, Snape stood up straight and looked in the direction of the broom shed.

"You're safe now, Potter. Thank Dumbledore for that."

**A/N I was scared I was making Snape a little too OOC on the last line, but he added that it was Dumbledore's idea so that kinda made up for the nice comment. (:**

**Thankyou to my reviewers: haunting77, ams71080, tweaty hobbs, amnethyst-emerald.**

**Keep reading and reviewing!**

**I will update everyday if I can.**


	3. Shock

**Disclaimer: Once again I don't own anything, as much as I would like to. Everything belongs to the wonderous JKR.**

The door to the Burrow creaked open, Harry's heart was expectedly pounding much faster than it had been when he arrived last year. The beatings had got increasingly worse, hence the dishevelled look Harry carried about with him. Harry always used to wonder whether Mrs Weasley knew about his summers at the Dursleys that being the reason he was often invited to stay. Harry looked to the ground, as Mrs Weasley answered, addressing Snape first.

"Severus." She spoke calmly, Snape nodded his greeting and moved into the warmth of the house where a sweet scent of food drifted outside and made Harry's insides squirm with a sick feeling of nausea . Harry tried his best to sneak past Mrs Weasley as he emerged from the shadows under the roof, he kept his head down but Mrs Weasley grabbed the top of his arm.

"Harry." She spoke, hints of concern crept into her words and Harry bit his lip, she looked him up and down, taking in every aspect of his appearance. He wondered how fast her mind was working, and how quickly she would gather what had been happening over the last month. Much to Harry's displeasure she sighed and gave him a hug. This was the last thing Harry needed; sympathy. Harry pulled away from her and shook his head trying his best to show a smile.

"Erm, where's Ron and Hermione?" Harry asked hastily, avoiding her worried eye. Mrs Weasley took a moment to reply, before answering stubbornly.

"Ron is working at Fred and George's shop, Merlin knows why! He seems to be spending a lot of time down there and his wage is terrible." Mrs Weasley smiled, and carried on. "Hermione has gone away with her parents, she will be back in a few days." She reassured Harry, though deep down Harry didn't want to see either Ron or Hermione. The predictions about how they would react to everything was too much to bear, or to dwell on, Harry didn't want to be thinking about that right now. Acting as if he was interested, Harry smiled.

"Doesn't matter," Harry shrugged, making a step to the door step, Mrs Weasley shook her head and took the trunk from Harry's grip.

"There is still some food out, get something to eat then you can get to bed. I doubt you have had much to eat over there." Mrs Weasley finished with distaste, Harry noticed the way she said 'over there' as if he had been to Azkaban, locked away for a month. Judging by his current state, that could have been easily true…

Harry followed Mrs Weasley into the house, he turned left towards the kitchen and dining room, stopping at the doorway, realising what Snape had said to him previously; 'The entire Order is here tonight.' Harry felt a pang of nerves hit him., he wanted to run out, run away from the attention and the worry. Would Snape have said anything? No doubt the professor would have mentioned it, it was indeed Snape's favourite pastime to humiliate and torment Harry is anyway possible. It was too late to run. The whole of the order had looked up from the table where they were obviously holding a meeting, mouths agape, some were whispering amongst one other. The people Harry knew all too well had risen from there seats, that being Lupin, Tonks, and Mr Weasley. Tonks was the first to speak. She looked speechless, her hair was a pale purple a change from the last time Harry had seen her with vibrant violet hair.

"Merlin Harry." She whispered, Harry was beginning to wonder how bad he actually looked… he fiddled with the zip of his jacket, biting his lip. He could have just turned away but the expression on Lupin's face suggested that if he did, Lupin would have ran after him. Furious, he moved over to Harry, who was a little frightened, he had never seen Lupin so angry. Harry stepped back a little when Lupin arrived much to near for Harry's liking obviously trying to get a better look at him.

"What the hell has happened?" Lupin looked Harry straight in the eye, he looked more tired and weary than usual, increasing in lines around his face, his eyes strong brown in colour. Harry tried to wriggle free from Lupin's hands that were on his shoulders, gripping him tight, Harry couldn't even look at him. Mr Weasley spoke now, quietly, calmly.

"Remus sit down." He ordered, Lupin took a last look a Harry before deeply sighing and obediently re-joining the group at the table. "You can have Fred and George's room, Harry." Taking this as an instruction to go, Harry nodded and headed out of the door and up the stairs, where he sat, slumping against the banister to hear what was to be said.

---

Severus stood as voices started to talk, he put up a hand and the group silenced. Molly looked close to tears and Arthur was glaring at the table, thinking of a reasonable explanation. Severus was interrupted by Remus who pushed his chair back and headed for the door.

"What was Albus thinking?" He shouted to himself, the rest of the order returned to a babble of raised voices and Severus swiftly glided to the door an arm stretched out denying Remus exit. He shook his head.

"Potter won't want to talk."

"You're right. We need to resolve this… I just- I can't- Did you see the cut below his lip, the bruises on his face, the look he gave me as I touched him- it's-"

Remus attempted to speak, pacing up and down the room, passing hands through his hair trying to concentrate, trying to put his finger on what had happened, the same as everyone else was doing. Severus cleared his throat.

"We cannot blame Dumbledore for this, we can't blame anyone. According to Potter, he had 'bit his lip'." Severus sniggered rolling his eyes, a few voices whispered and Remus stopped and turned to Severus.

"We can blame those muggles he has to call his family, and that house he names his 'home'. How could anyone have overlooked this?!" Remus blared, breathing through his anger. "Now with You-Know-Who gaining power, strength and knowledge…" Remus sighed, sinking down into a chair next to Kingsley Shacklebolt.

"These shouldn't be the worries of a sixteen year old boy." Remus despaired.

---

Harry sat on the cold stairs, longer than he had expected to, the Order hadn't been able to drop the subject of Harry Potter though Harry was not at all surprised. When he heard the scrape of the chairs on the wooden floor, Harry darted to the landing where he stopped to listen to the members departing.

"What should we do about it?" Mrs Weasley asked on the verge of tears, Harry gulped, feeling a lump of guilt lodged in his throat. Snape replied, Harry could see his lank black hair through the stairs, and Mrs Weasley touching his arm with desperation. Snape looked down at her hand.

"Potter is not my problem, if you are concerned ask Albus." Snape spoke in a bored voice though the look in his eyes said otherwise. Harry slunk to Fred and George's room. The bedroom brought nothing of comfort and warmth, boxes and boxes where stacked tall, with two small beds in the centre. Harry sat on the edge of one, realising that his trunk had been brought up and moved towards it, laying it on its side and opening the locks.

The first possession to greet him was the stained razor blade and Harry picked it up attentively, his mind becoming numb and his fingertips tingling with a craving that he longed to fulfil. Taking of his jacket, he brought the blade to his wrist and swiped it cleanly across, blood surfacing a few drops at a time. Harry retrieved the rag he used to clean the spillage and pressed it firmly onto his fresh wound, a few teardrops cornering his eyes. He hated the addiction, he hated the thrill the got from the habit. He loved however the numb and calm sensation that sends him to a sleep where it rarely brings nightmares and any other displeasures. He stumbled across to his bed, the rag soaking more of the blood now, Harry was beginning to feel the usual light-headedness that sent him to a faint.

**A/N - I guess this is sort of a filler chapter to the next chapter, since nothing really happens in this one. Chapter 4 will be better I swear! So Harry has seen the reactions from the order, but what about the reactions from Ron and Hermione?**

**Rate and review. It really keeps the fic going, and encourages me to write just that little extra (:**

**Thankyou to my lovely reviewers- Haunting77, JWOHPfan, HazelMalfoy88, speckled girl, luvCBluvJp, Gothic Tigress, ams71080, tweaty hobbs, amnethyst-emerald. **


	4. Discovery?

_**Disclaimer: I do not own anything. JKR is the owner of it all (:**_

A clean knock sounded from outside.

Harry's tired eyes opened painfully, wincing as he pushed himself up from the floor, the pain from his wrist searing as he dropped the rag and revealed a fresh, open wound. Fetching his jacket from the bedside he carefully put it on, eyes closing as the knocking continued.

"It's us." The cautious voice of Hermione Granger whispered through the crack in the door, and soon enough a large brown eye could be seen from the other side. Harry moaned quietly, really unhappy that they had arrived home so early he didn't want to see them. Not now.

"Open up, mate." Ron ordered, his voice a little shaky and he ended with a yawn. Harry himself yawned also, wondering the time. He stumbled across to the door, and moved the bolt allowing them entry.

Harry sat at the end of his bed, cradling his arm softly the cut was screaming, it felt as if a large chunk of his arm had been ripped from him; it was pain though nonetheless, and it didn't quite compare to the emotional stress and struggle he felt prior to the injury.

The door creaked open, Ron had been pushed into the room and Harry remained sat down. Ron grinned from ear to ear, he had grown at least an inch over the course of the summer holiday and Harry was glad to see there was no shock or worry etched on his face. Harry could breathe a little now. Hermione entered next, her usual bushy brown hair was styled in light waves and her dark eyes scanned the room curiously.

"Alright mate?" Ron asked leaning against a stack of cardboard boxes. "We weren't supposed to be home until at least three days, but… we came back." Ron looked to Hermione for help, he bit his lip and smiled sympathetically. Harry wondered why this was, no doubt the whole of the order were talking about him. Like they had nothing better to do… Dawn was breaking, and an orange glow was emanating from the sun into the room, now Harry was in full view; hidden by nothing.

Hermione gave a little gasp, and hurried to Harry's side, sitting herself down next to him. Her hand scrapped his thigh and she was busy studying his face, Harry tried his best to look away, he couldn't see the disappointment in her eyes, or the worry written from her frown.

"Harry… What happened?" She asked breathlessly, looking at a bruise on his forehead, then to the bags under his green eyes. "Was this…?" Harry stood in a temper, the bed shook as he kicked the leg hard.

"YES!" He roared, his hands flew up in the air and Hermione sunk away to Ron a little scared of Harry's anger. "IT'S BEEN GOING ON FOR AGES!" Harry's teeth clenched and he paced the room quickly, breathing hard.

"Ages?" Hermione squeaked as Harry turned to her glaring. Harry rolled his eyes and threw himself back down on the bed, head hitting the pillow.

"Years." Harry finished. "I wouldn't expect you two to know anything about that… you wouldn't understand."

"Help us-"

Ron started to say what Harry was expecting one of them to say. Harry cut him short.

"I don't want to talk about it." Harry mumbled, covering his eyes with his arm as in defeat. "I don't want to explain for you to understand." His tone was heavy and Hermione was close to tears, Ron put an arm around her and ushered her from the room.

Harry didn't look up but he could tell they had left. Now he was alone; again.

Standing abruptly, anger consuming him he punched the wall, his knuckles pounding and Harry gasped as throbbing twinges captured all the feeling in his hand. How stupid, he thought to himself. He clutched his probably broken hand and heard heavy footsteps from outside his room.

Shit.

Tears glazed his eyes, and he flopped onto the bed, breathing through the sharp bursts of pain still trying to listen out for any noise or conversation out in the hallway. The door opened.

A black silhouette appeared, and the person stopped at the doorway. Harry narrowed his eyes to try and make out the person in the shadow. Clouds passed over the sun and light could be invited back into the room, as the shape moved from the shadow Harry's heart dropped. Snape.

The sun was lifted higher now, sunbeams were now reflected into the four corners of the room, Harry would have much preferred to be alone in the darkness… hidden, though he detested darkness usually. Why was Snape there every time Harry was in trouble? It was beginning to irritate Harry greatly.

---

Severus curled his lip. What was Potter doing now? The boy was sat on the bed, clutching would appeared to be a swollen hand. Stupidity, Severus rolled his black eyes fixating them onto Harry who was close to tears.

"We are having a meeting downstairs." Severus glared. "You can throw yourself against the wall as much as you would like to, just do it quietly." Sneering he turned away, the room was stained with a smell of must, blood perhaps. There was something on the floor, a cloth, Severus approached the object vigilantly, and swiped it from the floor. Harry's eyes widened in fear.

"What is this, Potter?" Severus asked casually as if he was asking for the time of day. Harry shook his head hastily, biting his lip in worry. Severus moved over to Harry, and the boy scuttled back to the top of the bed.

"This isn't…" Severus dropped it onto the bed, feeling slightly sick. "I hope it isn't what I think it is, Potter." Severus looked Harry straight in the eye, the boy broke away.

"Let's leave it at that then." Severus leaned on the bed for a minute, studying the way Harry look at him, with fear, fright, caution. Severus looked for a split second to the boy's arm remembering last night and the way Potter winced as he pressed into his arm. Would Potter be that weak to harm himself? Would Potter be dealing with the abuse in a way that Severus did when he was younger?

Leaving it at that, Severus made his exit though stopping as he opened the door.

"Oh and Potter, Dumbledore is arriving later to speak with you. The Ministry have been informed about under-age magic. You should know all about that." Raising an eyebrow curtly, he exited from the room, in a state of shock and reminiscence, many disturbing memories from his childhood creeping back…

---

"Oh, Albus."

Mrs Weasley's voice was muffled and Harry strained his ears to try and hear parts of the conversation. He was sat at the table in the dining room, with many of the order sat with him, divulging in their own conversations. Ron and Hermione were sat opposite Harry staring intently at him.

"What?" He mouthed, Hermione shook her head, taking interest in her fingernails and Ron grinned.

"Nothing. Aren't you going to eat that?"

Harry pushed the bowl over to Ron and Ron tucked in. Hermione was ever so watchful, she studied the tone in Harry's voice, watched him as he ate, as he walked. It was becoming infuriating.

"I'm not hungry." Harry muttered defensively and with this tone Hermione felt reassured that she could speak without Harry biting her head off.

"Please eat, Harry. You look terribly… thin." Hermione gulped, and Harry pushed a hand through his hair, it looked scruffier than ever.

"I'm fine." He assured them, smiling a little. Hermione wouldn't be persuaded that easily Harry knew this, but he hated the attention and the constant worrying. He wanted to be left alone. Forgotten about.

"Harry!"

Harry looked towards the door and Dumbledore came striding in, arms open wide. Snape followed suit, looking scornful. Harry stood and approached the pair.

"Professor." Harry greeted him, Dumbledore chuckled and led him out into the hallway. Harry was feeling a little nervous, if anyone could see right through Harry; it would be Dumbledore. Snape nodded to Harry before entering the dining room and sitting himself down next to Shacklebolt.

"My dear boy." Dumbledore muttered, adjusting his spectacles. "How are you?"

Harry didn't know how to answer this, for if anyone else had asked this he would have replied; "Fine." Harry merely shrugged and leaned against the wall, sighing in exasperation. Dumbledore chuckled light-heartedly.

"You don't have to pretend, Severus was worried about you. He came to see me, you know." Dumbledore sighed, a small smile crept onto his thin lips and Harry knew now that he could trust him wholly.

"Snape?" Harry was taken aback, Dumbledore nodded simply.

"Yes, do not be so quick to judge Harry."

Harry banged the back of his foot against the wall and tried to swerve the conversation away from Snape. The interfering git.

"So…" Harry looked back up to the old man smiling, he was wearing a purple pointed hat that seemed to flop at the peak. Harry smiled at this.

"The Ministry spoke?" Harry probed. Dumbledore nodded wearily, half closing his eyes. He took a breath.

"Yes, I explained the situation…" Harry knew fully what 'the situation' meant and now felt angry that Dumbledore would tell the Ministry this. No doubt that would be in the Daily Prophet by tomorrow.

'The Boy Who Lived Is Beaten Up'

Harry could picture it now, he glared at the floor. Dumbledore touched his shoulder and Harry unprepared, flinched.

"Sorry, erm- I just-" Harry sighed deeply and Dumbledore nodded his understanding.

"There is some measures we need to take whilst getting you to school on Monday, you will be accompanied by Professor Snape, Remus and Arthur. It is just caution that we must do this… after the Ministry fiasco in July…"

Harry suddenly realised he was going back to Hogwarts in three days, spirits suddenly lifted he grinned; quidditch… oh how he missed it.

"That's what we want to see." Dumbledore smiled watching Harry's expression shift to glee and excitement. Patting his shoulder, Dumbledore left Harry in the hallway. Suddenly Harry felt alive, animated, thrilled. He darted up to his bedroom, and shut himself in. He wanted no-one to dampen his mood, or crush the feeling inside of him. And as if the mood couldn't get any better, a peck from the window told Harry that Hedwig had arrived.

Harry ran to the window and opened the hatch. The pure white owl stepped inside, and bit Harry's finger affectionately, he stroked her back with his forefinger.

"You found me then." Harry laughed. His friend knew him only too well.

_**A/N: Yay a happy ending (: So there's an insight to what Snape went through as a child that ties in with what Dumbledore was saying in the second chapter. I hoped you liked it. I will make it H/R canon soon, they are together just Harry doesn't know that yet. Errrrm, the next chapter will be the journey to Hogwarts.**_

_**Please R&R!!**_

_**Thankyou to all my reviewers! It's such encouragement when you review!**_

_**33**_


	5. Old Flames Burn Stronger

_**Disclaimer: I wish I did, but I don't own any part of JK Rowling's creation, nor do I do this for entertainment purposes. (:**_

Mr and Mrs Weasley were assembling their children not forgetting Harry and Hermione around the fireplace. Dressed smartly in their school robes and each holding a trunk with the exception of Harry who was carrying Hedwig's cage with his left hand, and his right bandaged from when he punched the wall. Mr Weasley ushered Ginny towards the fire and with a flash of vibrant green she disappeared, Ron and Hermione went next, clasping hands, they vanished together. A solemn pang stabbed at Harry's heart and he looked to the floor.

"Just you left, Harry." Mr Weasley put an arm around his bony shoulders, squeezing tight and walked with him to the floo chamber. Harry hated everyone acting just that little bit differently towards him, acting as though he couldn't walk by himself or fend for himself.

"Professor Snape will be waiting for you in Diagon Alley-"

"Snape?" Harry spat, as he stepped over the threshold. "Snape?" He repeated, what happened to the arrangement with Kinglsey? Harry kicked the dust angrily at his feet so that it smothered the tip of his school shoes.

Mrs Weasley sighed and she approached Mr Weasley's side carrying Harry's trunk.

"Snape asked for you. He doesn't normally assist, but this time… he requested for you." Harry grinded his teeth and grabbed the grey powder, packing it tightly in his hand.

"Diagon Alley." He murmured, and threw down the dust. Just like a slideshow, he could see a flick of images, fireplaces one after another. Harry gulped, his throat dry and he slid out of fireplace in the Leaky Cauldron at the feet of someone he really didn't want to see.

"Potter." Snape drew his wand, sharply flicking it so Harry was clean from any dust or dirt that had clung to him on his journey. Harry stood abruptly, not thanking Snape or greeting him but walking past the tall man in black.

Mr and Mrs Weasley came next, tugging Harry's trunk as it wedged its corners in the corners of the fireplace. With much struggle, the trunk broke free and Mr Weasley stumbled back. Harry smiled a little, handed his trunk and dragged himself from the eyes of the adults, walking out into the daylight.

---

"You sure that this is a good idea?" Arthur probed, looking intently at Severus as Harry stormed off. Severus showed no expression but turned curtly to Arthur, raising an eyebrow ever so faintly, his deep black eyes rock steady.

"Yes." Severus started, brushing a speck of dust from the front of his cloak. "The boy knows we suspect the worst, he is trying his best to disguise it. It doesn't help having him mollycoddled and watched every second of the day."

Severus looked sideways at Molly and sneered.

"Just stating the clear and obvious."

Molly moved towards Severus and pointed a finger at his chest. Severus peered down and wafted her hand away.

"We all know how Harry feels about you." Molly started, Severus stepped an inch backwards, looking away. "You think you have his best interests at heart? I think this is another way to taunt him, and push him closer to the edge."

Arthur touched Molly's arm.

"Leave it." He instructed and Molly backed away leaving Severus stood alone, dealing with the sting of her words. His mind was wholly sorting out one problem, the problem of Harry Potter, the self-harm, the abuse. Severus wearily closed his eyes, a hand rubbed at his head, relieving him of the stress. Severus did have Harry's best interests at heart, so he thought. But as he dwelled on the matter more, he realised it was more of the wish of Lily that had him looking after the boy.

Maybe Molly was right.

---

Harry sat on a bench, head bowed over his hands as they rubbed together, it was still sore to move his broken one. His eyes fixated at the floor watching it darken as a cloud passed over the sun. After a minute or so, he felt a presence by his side. By the look of the shoes Harry instantly knew it was Snape and he realised he had been scratching at his hand. It was burning, red raw, Harry hadn't realised he was even doing it. Two sources of physical pain, one was the broken knuckle and two was the large burn. Maybe that's where the problem lay… if it were even a problem at all.

Harry stood, though he didn't move.

Snape sighed behind him.

"Your hand, Potter."

Harry turned looking at Snape, his right hand clasped over his leeft. Snape stood also, taking a pocket watch from inside his black clock it was silver and blinding as it reflected the sun. Snape glanced at it.

"Your train leaves in half an hour."

"So much for assisting me." Harry scoffed, sitting back down.

"No, I was supposed to be accompanying you to the station. I decided to meet you here now, rather than later. Is that a problem?" Snape had an answer for everything, and it usually involved cruelty, insults or dry sarcasm. Harry shook his head.

"Good."

Snape walked past Flourish and Blotts where Hermione and Ron exited, both carrying three new books. Hermione also held a packet of new quills and parchment. Hermione pointed towards Harry and the pair slowly approached him.

"There you are." Ron sat next to Harry. "Been looking for you all over, mate. Train leaves in a bit. Mum and Dad are waiting for us at Gringotts, got some money out for us."

Looking for me? Harry rolled his eyes, no doubt that that wasn't true. Harry had seen the pair strolling past at least three times in that hour.

"Alright."

"You okay Harry?" Hermione glanced at his hand. Harry put his head in his hands through despair, tugging at his short black hair. That was a question he was going to be hearing much too often now he was back to Hogwarts.

For the first time in the five years of attending the school, Harry didn't want to go back.

---

"Harry! You've forgotten Hedwig." Hermione yelped handing him the owl and her cage as she boarded the train. Harry thanked her before giving it to the train attendant and secondly passing him his trunk.

The train was already almost full, but the trio soon found an empty compartment right by where the Slytherins usually travelled. They sat awkwardly by the window, Harry by his own and Ron and Hemione opposite him, Ron's hand on Hermione's lap.

"You two … you know. Together now?" Harry asked, staring out onto the platform. As if scolded Ron retrieved his hand and nodded.

"Yeah. That's okay, right?"

Harry shrugged.

"Yeah, why would I mind?"

The train jerked into movement. Parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters all waved the train goodbye, Mr and Mrs Weasley were stood at the front of the crowd waving farewell to Ron, Harry and Hermione. They waved back, but Harry merely smiled.

The train left the platform almost too slowly, so Harry had to endure at least two minutes of Ron's parents looking in the window, concerned, worried and Harry trying to avoid their eyes and pretend everything would be okay. Though that usually wasn't the case.

"Oh no." Hermione whispered, Harry looked up to see Malfoy at the doorway, jeering. Harry breathed in hard, and biting his lip looked away.

"Whoah. What happened to Scarhead?" Malfoy asked, tapping his fingers annoyingly on the side of the door. "Judging by the state of the Chosen One, I'd guess someone's been laying into him." Malfoy laughed, heartlessly.

Harry stood, his wand gripped by his side, teeth clenched. Hermione squeaked and nudged Ron to do something. Malfoy only grinned wider.

"Oh, I would have loved to see you pounded to the floor, Potter. I've heard all the stories, you running away, petrifying your muggle cousin-"

Harry lost it.

A fist smacked into the side of Malfoy's jaw, it was Harry's right hand and he winced as his knuckles pounded, the bandage ripped with the strain. Malfoy jerked backwards but stumbled forwards again grabbing Harry by the neck, twisting him round so that he was backed against the door.

"You had wished you'd never done that."

Harry rolled his eyes.

"Empty threats. But you know what?" Harry spoke faintly, through the force acting upon his throat.

Malfoy slackened his grip, intrigued to hear what Harry might say.

"I don't care anymore, Malfoy. Nothing you could ever say could hurt me. Believe me, I've heard worse. Nothing you could ever do could hurt me, again I've had worse." Harry's jaw tightened, he could hear Hermione whimper in the corner.

Malfoy rubbed at his swollen jaw and took at step closer to Harry. Harry stared into Malfoy's cold grey eyes, and felt as if another punch would satisfy him. Malfoy's lip quivered, a trickle of blood dropped from his chin and he sent a fist right into Harry's stomach, making the boy buckle to the floor, trying to catch his breath.

Hermione ran to Harry and put an arm around him. Harry caught his breath, through tears of pain he tried to stand but the weight of his friend was pulling his back down,

"Get off me." Harry hissed, throwing her arm off him, he fled from the compartment and stumbled down the train to the toilet where he locked the door behind him. Crying softly, he collapsed onto the toilet seat, and clutched the sides hard.

Tears marked the pain from his stomach, but also the ache in his mind. What was he doing? Here he was, taking a blade from his pocket acting upon this merely to keep himself alive. Without the cutting, Harry would have no stability, no way of coping, how stupid it was to rely on such a delicate procedure but as the blood lifted to the surface from an instant slit Harry remembered why. Why he did this, and how good it felt.

The tears stopped, his mouth panted, breathing heavy. Trying to block out the mental pain and concentrate completely on this agony. He took a thick roll of toilet paper and tried to soak up some of the blood, and stop the bleeding. His head swam as he was losing consciousness, though he tried to see past this and get himself out of the small toilet cubicle. He retrieved his wand, and eased a little as he stopped the bleeding, though the cut was still throbbing painfully.

"Harry?"

Hermione knocked, her voice sounded thick, as if she had been crying. Sighing, Harry lifted himself up, but held onto the sink as he thought he would collapse back down again.

The door unlocked, Hermione opened it slowly and peered in, seeing specks of blood patterning the floor and Harry propped up against the sink, his eyes closing. Gasping, and finally realising, Hermione ran to his side.

"No." He muttered, standing limply. "I'm fine."

Hermione shook her head so the curls nearly came out of shape.

"No, no you're not! Stop pretending!"

Harry gritted his teeth and made his way to the door, having to hold onto everything in sight to keep himself supported.

"Leave me alone."

Hermione lunged forward just in time to grab Harry's body.

"Why won't you let us help you." Hermione whispered through strangled breaths, tears welled up and she held Harry even as he tried to pull away.

Harry's sleeve drenched in blood, soaked onto Hermione. She let go of his body, and drew her wand pointing it in the wound muttering words under her breath. The wound ceased to bleed, and slowly closed up.

"Come on." She heaved his body upright and Harry shook her away.

"I can do it, just go back to Ron."

Hermione shook her head in disbelief. No thanks, no apology, though she half-expected not to receive any of these. Hermione walked out of the toilet and back to the compartment, Harry followed suit, though not as brisk or as fast and bumped into Malfoy.

"I've seen it all now." Malfoy taunted grabbing Harry's arm. "Not just Scarhead are we, Potter?" Smirking the blond turned away and Harry remained stood by himself, leaning against the walls of the train, wishing that he could just break through and throw himself onto its tracks, awaiting another train to crush him.

_**A/N My longest chapter yet! Hope you enjoyed it, not a lot of Severus in this chapter but I felt it was important to show Harry and Hermione's relationship since there hadn't been any trace of one. ^^ It took me a while to update, but I am currently up to my eyes in coursework so please understand and don't kill me for it! XD**_

_**Review please!**_

_**I love all my reviewers, they make me smile. (:**_


	6. Sympathy

Harry moved between Ron and Hermione as they made their way through the castle with the other students, a pang erupted from the hollowness in Harry's stomach and the thought of the feast made him queasy. Not only did Harry not feel a need to feed himself, he realised that food was a way to escape and by not eating he had an other control in his life, besides the self-harm. Harry grimaced as Hermione touched his arm as they walked through the doors into the Great Hall; the trio turned to the left towards the scarlet décor and sat down at the long table. Ron had already picked up his knife and fork.

"Bring on the food," Ron protested, Seamus Finnigan laughed along with him as he himself sat down.

"Yeah, screw the speeches." He was soon joined by Dean Thomas and Neville Longbottom, Harry was lucky that they hadn't noticed him, he couldn't deal with whispers right now. A blond boy was next to arrive through the doors, he glared at Harry his jaw bruised, Malfoy had Crabbe and Goyle on either side and they cracked their knuckles as a threat. Hermione pushed Harry away, turning his body so he faced Ron.

"Ignore them." Hermione muttered tonelessly, Harry had heard this many times before but it was easier said than done.

Dumbledore stood now, arms stretched wide.

"Welcome, welcome." He smiled, glittering blue eyes shone behind half-moon spectacles, he was wearing violet robes seamed with soft silver. Harry couldn't help but smile at his Headmasters quirky dress sense. Out of the corner of Harry's eye, he could see Snape staring at him with curious eyes, a hard stare that made Harry look back down at his empty plate.

"As pointed out by two of our sixth year Gryffindors, it is better to scrap the speeches." Dumbledore chuckled looking directly at Ron and Seamus, Ron's ears turned red and Seamus grew white in the face.

"The feast!" He exclaimed, clapping his hands together and resulting in a wide spread of assorted foods, cheer broke out but Harry remained silent, eyes flitting from one plate to the next. Ron had already piled his plate high and Hermione was looking at Harry.

"Aren't you hungry?" She asked suspiciously, Harry shrugged. A cackle of laughter was sounded from behind and Harry turned sharply.

Draco Malfoy was huddled with a collection of his cronies as Harry turned to face them, they laughed.

"Poor Potter, wasting away." Pansy crooned, she leaned forward. "Did the nasty muggles hurt precious Harry Potter?"

Harry felt a common anger rising, he squeezed his hands hard and turned back round, he wouldn't retaliate he only ever came out worse in the end. Hermione breathed slowly, exhaling as if she was relieved. Harry sat for a few moments, listening to the comments being made. Now that Draco knew, the whole school would know.

Harry picked up his knife, he would attempt to eat a slice of meat, save him lectures from Hermione.

Draco gasped from behind.

"Look Potter has a knife!" He exclaimed loudly, "Be careful you might cut yourself with it." Harry squeezed the knife tight in his grip, tears stung the corner of his eyes but he wouldn't give in, he wouldn't cry. Hermione was whispering something beside him but Harry couldn't hear, the only sound whirring in Harry's mind was the laughter of the jerks behind him.

Standing abruptly, ripping himself from the ridicule he dropped the knife hard on the table causing the whole school to silence. As he removed himself from the Great Hall, he could hear gasps of shock, whispers, people surprised by his lack of personal care, the prominent shape of his bones, the way his clothes hung off his shoulders. Harry couldn't stop the tears this time, he didn't care that he was weak.

Fists clenched he turned right into the vast corridor where he ran, his heart beating hard against his ribs, he felt pain when he breathed a racking pain that had him gasping in short breaths. Finally reaching the bathroom, Harry slammed the door behind him he stopped shortly to catch his breath before shutting himself in a cubicle and bolting the door.

---

Severus knew something had just happened.

The look on Potter's face explained this, he studied the boy for at least five minutes, even when Minerva nudged him to stray his attention, the man did not look away. Severus felt pity, though hatred for the boy's father stopped any true sympathy. Had something just gone on? What explained the bruising on Malfoy's jaw?

"You're not making the boy feel any better." Minerva scolded and Severus looked away. He helped himself to more wine and drained the goblet quick. What had Draco just said? Severus craned his neck to get a closer look, Potter had now turned.

"Look Potter has a knife!"

Severus closed his eyes.

"Be careful you might cut yourself with it."

That had to have hit a nerve, Severus thought and as the thought processed in his mind Harry Potter had stood, turned and ran from the scene. Severus was quick to stand. He stood up and looked directly at Malfoy, shaking his head slowly. Minerva tugged at his sleeve.

"Sit down Severus." She hissed, Severus shook her off and stood down from the table, making his way to the door where he would search for the boy. Didn't anyone understand? Of course not, no-one could, not unless they had suffered the same things. Abuse, self-destruction, bullying.

There were many places a boy could run to. Many places he could escape to.

"Potter?" Severus called, as he passed portraits, he walked quickly, pacing past doors.

"'E went in there." A black haired witch shook her head, she pointed from inside her frame. "Looked a fright, poor lad." Severus didn't thank her but stopped outside the boy's bathroom.

It was the same bathroom Severus hid in. He remembered clearly the cubicle, the taunting laughter of James Potter and Sirius Black and how he wished the walls would close in on him, save him from the pain.

Severus slowly opened the door, fingers tapped gently as if he were knocking but not really with enough strength.

"Potter?" He spoke attentively, moving carefully in the bathroom. There was no sound.

He closed the door behind him, and started to check the cubicles. First one was empty, as was the second, his wand tapped the third but it didn't open. The door stood rigid.

Severus knocked.

No reply.

"Alohomora." He whispered, his lip curling in dread, his black eyes focussing on the scrawny boy that was slumped against the wall. His eyes were shut, vomit splattered the toilet basin, Severus frowned in distaste. He surveyed the boy and noticed a dropped blade by his side, scratch marks patterned his face and neck. Severus didn't want to see the blood, but it was there. Crimson and clear. Drops on the white floor, a pure colour that shone from the surface.

Severus kneeled down and lifted the boys sleeve.

A large slit was apparent on his wrist. Enough blood had been spilled to make Harry unconscious, as Severus touched the wound the boy's fingers twitched.

Severus brought his wand and performed a simple healing spell that erased the gash but left a clean white scar. He pushed a hand through his dank, black hair; memories surfaced, memories he didn't want to think about. The cutting, the drinking. He touched his own arm and could see in his mind the dozen scars arranged messily on his wrist. He touched Harry's chest and could feel a slow heartbeat.

Severus grabbed the boy and tried to pick him up, but held onto him. He was Lily's son, Lily used to help Severus through the same thing so Severus would repay Lily by helping Harry.

The boy's eyes trembled, Severus slacked his grip but continued to hold him.

"Harry?"

---

Harry responded to the call of his name by smiling. It was the effect of the addiction that made him so mellow, so dreamy. He opened his eyes fully and stared back into black ones. Snape.

Harry crawled backwards, away from Snape. He couldn't feel any trickle of blood and as he looked down he could see nothing but a scar.

"What the fuck have you done?" Harry exclaimed, glaring angrily. He scratched at the scar. Snape moved closer but Harry backed away, so fast that he banged his head against the toilet.

"Shit." He muttered, feeling as if his head had been sawed in two. "Stay the hell away. Who do you think you are?" Angry bubbled inside him, the temptation to attack Snape was unbearable. Another effect of the addiction. Snape stood now, towering over him a hand came down and Harry automatically cowered.

"Potter, I wasn't going to-" Snape sighed and shook his head. "I think I am someone who knows more than you think." The hand Harry had mistaken for a beating touched his shoulder and Harry lowered his head.

He cried, why bother denying it? Harry was weak and he knew it.

Snape crouched back down. Harry wanted to be alone, more than anything at least right at this moment in time. Why was Snape being so sympathetic? He was partly the reason why Harry was teased by Malfoy.

"Come, Potter."

"Where?" He muttered hoarsely.

"Hospital Wing, get Madam Pomfrey to check you over."

Harry shook his head, and fear consumed him. No fucking way, he would not go there, he was hiding much more than anyone knew.

Snape sighed and nodded his head.

"Fine." He grumbled, "If you want to talk, Potter, just come to my office." He left the cubicle and soon the bathroom was empty just a boy crying on it's floor wishing anything he didn't exist, wishing as he scratched the scar on his head that he wasn't labelled with such a life. The boy who lived, could he even live up to that?

_**A/N Thanks to all my reviewers! I'm so busy these days that updating is usually put off for a while. There you have it, chapter numero six. I hope you liked it (: I loved writing it. I have an idea for later chapters but I would like to ask your opinion first; how about Harry being addicted to drugs? I will include a drinking habit later on but I was wondering about drug influence. What do you think? **_

_**Rate and review!!**_


	7. A Little Something

**_Oh em gee! It's been too long! I've missed writing for you guys. ): Well let's just say school exams got in the way... but I'm free for the rest of the summer!! Yay! I hope you enjoy this and that it's worth waiting for!_**

The night was unbearable.

Harry lay awake, eyes wide open, the sheets of his bed lay at his feet where he had kicked them angrily away. Heavy snores sounded from all around Harry and he could feel himself getting angry. Ron was beside him, mouth agape, sleeping much too peacefully and Harry despised this. His fingers performed a quiet tapping against the wooden pole on his four poster bed, he hoped this rhythm would bore him enough to send him drifting into a sleep haunted by nightmares, much like those he experienced during his waking hours.

He closed his eyes reluctantly and played out the scenes from this evening in his mind. After being 'helped' by Snape, Harry had returned to the dormitory and awaited the arrival of Hermione and Ron. Much to his approval, Hermione didn't question though Harry felt obliged to talk things over. So he showed his left arm, there was no cut and Hermione was satisfied. Thanks to Snape Harry had no evidence of the injury and Harry was thankful.

Lessons started tomorrow and Harry wondered whether Malfoy would be in any of them. After choosing his options last year, he had to pick Potions to pursue his dream of an Auror, though this fantasy was fading fast.

Remembering something Snape told him, Harry sat upright. He pulled a sweater over his head and grabbed the Marauders Map from his trunk. Searching for the black dot that read Severus Snape, Harry wondered whether it would be such a good idea to pay him a visit in these early hours but he felt alone and needed someone. Anyone.

The castle was silent. Harry wandered down the corridors, passing sleeping portraits. His wand was aloft, the light guiding him through the corridors. He reached the Dungeons and looked at the map once more; Snape was in his study.

Harry reached the door.

Heart beating fast, he knocked loudly and awaited an answer. What would he say when the man answered? Harry hadn't thought this through. Panicking he turned slowly and started to walk away…

---

Severus sat alone in his study. He'd been sat at his desk for at least three hours with parchment and quills trying to plan the terms lessons. He gave up miserably after a few glasses of Rosmerta's finest wine and sank onto the leather sofa, feeling the world on top of him. Sighing, he turned the glass in his hands and his mind wandered to tonight's events. He thought he owed it to Potter to erase most of the his house's memories to leave them with no recollection of what Malfoy saw on the train. He owed Lily that much. Downing his glass, he stumbled towards the cabinet and pulled out a third bottle, this time whiskey and poured himself a glass. Severus wasn't drunk, he didn't _get_ drunk or so he told himself. It was just the feeling of being completely numb that appealed to him, more than the social side.

He fell back onto the sofa and pushed a hand through his lank hair, his eyes were bloodshot and his lids drooped to form dark bags under his eyes. He looked at state. Luckily a charm existed to hide any sign of exhaustion and Severus used it frequently.

As he drained a second glass he heard a loud knock at his door. He raised an eyebrow to this sound and set his glass on the table. Probably students out of bed, he thought and he moved towards the door, opening it only slightly. He was just in time to see the remaining light of a wand whip past and Severus recognised who it was.

"Potter!" He called, standing in the corridor and beckoning the boy forwards. A skinny figure crept from out of the shadow of the hallway, wand by his side. Severus curled his thin lips and folded his arms.

"Any reason why you are out of bed and at this hour?" He asked irritably. Potter frowned in confusion and replied.

"Sir, you said-" Severus raised a hand to silence him.

"I am aware of what I said, Potter." He hissed. "However I don't encourage wandering around the castle in the middle of the night!"

Harry nodded and apologised over and over.

"Never mind that." Severus sighed, feeling he was a little harsh. "You're here now, might as well come in." Reluctantly, Severus opened the door and Harry entered after his teacher.

---

A strong scent of alcohol hit Harry and he was forced to step back a little, Snape closed the door behind them and walked over to the sofa where he picked up a bottle of whiskey, pouring himself a glass that he drank in one.

Harry stood by the door and watched Snape pour a second glass.

"I think you've had a little too much-" Harry spoke without thinking. "Sir-"

Snape turned around sharply, in the light of the room he looked terrible. Harry couldn't help but stare. Snape glared and Harry realised this behaviour was blamed on the whiskey. Gulping he looked to the ground but Snape continued to look at him.

"Excuse me?" He whispered, his black eyes were glazed over and his lip twitched.

"Sorry." Harry muttered, "I didn't mean-" He slumped onto the sofa and buried his head in his hands. Snape signed once more, shaking his head and throwing the glass back down he turned to Harry.

"My mistake." He muttered, he sounded exhausted and Harry felt his pain. For the first time, Harry felt as though he was empathising with Snape and he stood to leave.

Snape turned again and the expression on his face was only too readable. Harry took the pained sight as a cue to stay and so he sat back down and busied himself by rubbing his hands together in his lap.

"Potter." Snape suddenly spoke. "I feel it in my best interest to tell you something." Harry perked up, he looked inquisitive as his green eyes gazed up at Snape, Snape looked away once more as if he couldn't bear to look at him.

"A simple yet effective potion." Snape muttered, opening the doors of a cabinet beside Harry and fumbling around. Harry peered over and his heart was racing with excitement. Snape extracted a circular bottle with a clear liquid inside, it was clear though as he handed it to Harry it turned a pale peach colour.

"What is it?" Harry asked, turning the bottle in his hand. Snape breathed in.

"It's a potion that will allow you to disguise yourself. It will hide any signs of exhaustion or weariness and will go as far as hiding blemishes, bruises… scars."

Harry looked up and nodded.

"Good idea." He muttered to himself, opening the cap and taking a whiff of it's nonexistent stench. It smelled like water, which indeed had no scent.

"I thought of the idea." Snape was speaking without a slur now and he began arranging bottles in his cupboard. "In my fifth year. I was indeed in need of something similar to this, to hide certain marks on my body." He was again fumbling around, the bottles clanking against the glass doors. Harry could tell he was pretending to be occupied.

"With help from my old Potions Master I cooked up this solution and to my advantage it worked."

Harry nodded to show he was listening, but he had a burning question.

"Sir- If you don't mind me asking…" Harry pushed a hand through his hair and tried a best way to word it. "What did _you_ need to hide, sir?"

Snape must have seen this coming because he shut the doors to the cabinet and moved back towards the table, pouring himself a glass of whiskey.

"I'm sure you have the intelligence to work it out." Snape spoke into his glass and swirled the brown liquid around before yet again downing it.

Harry wondered whether Snape was too abused… and he thought back to previous conversations when his teacher would say: "I know more than you think." Harry looked up as if he understood and Snape nodded.

"Yes."

That was all the approval Harry needed.

---

"What a fantastic day!" Hermione beamed as they entered the portrait into the common room. Harry's first day had been as perfect as it could have gone. Malfoy hadn't taunted him once, and he thought that may be to do with Snape.

"I can't wait to start Runes tomorrow! I mean at the higher level…" She added as Ron gave her a confused look. Harry smiled.

"You haven't changed a bit." Ron said grimly. He hadn't had such a good day, messed up _three sleeping draughts and managed to turn Pig into a pair of socks. "I'm going to fail." He muttered miserably._

Hermione turned on Harry as Ron joined Dean for a game of chess.

She studied him closely, Harry laughed.

"What?"

"Something's different."

"What?"

Hermione shook her head.

"Nevermind. I'm just glad you're back to your usual self." She beamed and squeezed Harry's hand. Harry looked to the floor and shuffled his feet.

"I guess we can't say the same for Professor Snape. Did you see him? He looked terrible." Hermione shuddered and sat down in a squashy armchair. Harry muttered his agreement and lounged on the sofa next to her. Snape did look a state. Harry realised then at that moment that Snape must have given him the last of the potion and didn't have time to brew himself a vial, wow, Snape had turned for the better.

"I'm off to bed." Harry yawned standing, Hermione checked her watch.

"It's barely eight." She told him with a little suspicion lingering in her words. Harry shrugged.

"I know. I didn't get much sleep last night… and I think I'll be able to sleep now." He smiled, bading her goodnight before ending the day. He drifted off to sleep almost instantly and for the first time in a while wasn't haunted by Sirius Black.

**_It all ends well... for now (:_**

**_Please review! I love my little reviewers who make me smile everytime I get an email saying I have new reviews (: Love you guys!  
Anyhow... I decided not to include any other sort of teenage issue... but I gave Severus the drinking problem._**

**_Maybe they can both help each other through it?_**


	8. Understood

_**Can you believe, I'm actually on holiday AND writing? Normally I don't take my laptop with me buuuttt under the circumstances, I guess I needed something to do (: So here it is. I know it's been a very long time. Months in fact. I apologise to my lovely readers and I hope this long long long chapter suffices. Wow, I can't actually believe how long it is! I didn't realise it would be that long when I had finished. Ha.**_

The starting week of October brought to Harry's pleasure a fortunate event. The catastrophe's of last month were virtually forgotten, though Harry was reminded every second by the pressing matter's in his mind, not to mention the constant reminder from Snape who looked at him with good intentions; even if no-one else thought so.

"Slimy git." Ron muttered as they entered the classroom where Snape bore his black eyes into Harry's and smiled jeeringly. They sat down with Hermione and she brought out a foot and a half long essay, Ron scribbled some last minute details onto his. Harry looked between the two open-mouthed.

"We had homework?" He asked incredulously, glaring at Ron as his ears turned a shade of red, he suddenly became interested in the corners of his parchment.

"Well… you had been shut away in the common room for a week. We gathered this was what you were doing." Hermione bit her lip and focused her attention on Snape as he started the lesson. Harry grew angry, shut away in the common room? Hadn't he been with them? Then he stupidly realised that his two 'friends' had obviously found time to do it together during their little get-togethers in empty classrooms. Furious, Harry clenched his teeth as Snape gazed over, a small smile playing on his thin lips.

"Ah, Potter. I see no essay on your desk." Snape looked over at Malfoy's group of cronies who were already looking at him with faces that showed mock sympathy. Snape sneered.

Not saying a word he simply stared back.

"See me at the end, Potter."

Harry didn't speak to Hermione or Ron throughout that lesson, and remained seated as everyone left the Dungeons. Snape glided over to him, standing at the edge of his desk.

"Why didn't you do my essay?"

"I forgot."

"Likely story."

Snape sighed, folding his arms and narrowing his eyes.

"I would like the truth, Potter."

"I told you. I forgot to do it." Harry's jaw stiffened, why wouldn't Snape believe him? Harry leaned back in his chair. "Anything else? Or can I go? You see, I don't normally get an interrogation when I don't do homework, sir. Usually a detention and a week's worth of snide remarks." Harry glared at Snape who glared back as powerfully.

"Less of the cheek, Potter. If you remember rightly, I went out of my way to supply you with a potion that was to your benefit." He sneered, his eyes wide with vindictive pleasure. "I can always stop the supply. The deal was-"

"I know the deal!" Harry raged, he stood now. His hands were holding the edge of the table and he leaned towards Snape. "I know! I stop and you give me the potion! What's the problem?"

Snape flitted his eyes to Harry's arm and back to his face.

"How can I be sure of that? How can I be certain you have? With your past record it could be easily said that you are prone to _lies_."

Harry stopped for a moment, opened his mouth the closed it again, uncertain what it was he wanted to say. Cowardly as it was, Harry stormed from the room. A week ago, Harry was in the best of moods, but after the incident with Ron and Hermione and then with Snape, Harry felt isolated once more. He didn't stop until he reached the boy's toilets. They were empty since everyone was in lesson and Harry stood by the mirror. Glaring at his own reflection, he clenched his hands around the sink and bit his lip as if he wanted to stop himself. But couldn't.

Harry retrieved the blade that he kept by him at all times. True, he hadn't used it in almost four weeks but he felt happier knowing it was there, for times like these.

Rolling up the sleeve of the right arm, he grasped the blade carefully in his left and traced a faint line across his wrist. The scratch protruded downwards and as Harry closed his eyes to cut, the door opened.

---

Typical teenage boy, Severus thought to himself. Scared of confrontation and would prefer to run away from his problems rather than face them head on. After previous incidents, Potter had grown to be able to close his mind to simple Occumlency and now Severus couldn't possibly read his thoughts unless he were to chant the incantation and brandish his wand. Of course, Potter had been lying. Just like his father, he would prefer to lie and deceive than face up to his problems. Although. James Potter rarely had any problems.

Severus was sure Potter would retreat back to the boy's toilets and so made his way down there, meeting a flustered Hermione Granger and useless Ron Weasley on the way.

"Shouldn't you two be in class?" Snape hissed as he passed. "Ten points from Gryffindor."

Granger muttered her apologies and tried to hurry Weasley on, but the lanky red head turned to Severus.

"We were looking for Harry."

"Get to class or it'll be another ten points, Weasley."

Without knocking this time, he raised a hand to the door, Severus felt a shoot of déjà vu surge through him and he took a moment, pressing his back against the door frame.

"_Ah! Prongs! The git is in here!"_

_Severus covered his ears with his hands and muttered comforting phrases to himself._

"_Which cubicle?"_

_He tried to draw his wand to seal the door properly, but his hands were shaking too much and the wand fell. Someone had picked it up. Severus wiped his eyes and glared through the door before standing and opening it fully._

"_Been crying? Aw, how touching. See here, Padfoot the snake has feelings!" _

_Severus barged through Black but Potter grabbed his arm, pushing him violently against the cubicle door. Potter had him pinned._

"_If you ever lay eyes on Evans again. I'll make sure you pay." _

_Severus spat in the face of James Potter, grabbed his wand and fled. Black tripped him up as he exited the door and he felt his head sear as it smashed to the ground. The pain was soothing, strangely. It felt as though he was channelling his pain physically rather than mentally…_

Severus opened his eyes, and rubbed his head as though he had again, had it thrown against the floor.

---

Harry turned around sharply.

"Oh, it's you sir." He turned around and looked at Snape through the mirror. "Well, good timing."

Snape stuck his hand out as he approached cautiously, it was as if he were dealing with someone about it throw themselves off a cliff.

"Potter, drop it."

"Why?"

"Because I said so."

"You do?" Harry grinned sarcastically and put the blade at the peak of the scratch, he turned back around and pushed his arm nearer to Snape who looked like a heroin addict who had just seen someone inject a large dose. But it was probably the same, a cutter needed to cut, the way an addict needed to keep his addiction going.

"Don't." He muttered, flitting his gaze back and forth, from the floor to Harry's arm.

Harry laughed, the laugh didn't sound much like his own but a laugh more suited to a maniac. It was cold and high, and made Harry look deranged as it sounded from his own mouth."

"Tell me, _sir._ How long has it been?"

"A few years." Snape was the same as Harry. Acting oppositely, his tone was shy and still in comparison to Harry's cruel and hostile tone. He then narrowed his eyes as Harry blinked and stepped backwards as though he had been nudged in the stomach.

Harry dropped the blade in the basin, his other hand clutched at his head. Snape exhaled in relief as the blade hit the bottom of the sink.

"You didn't believe me when I told you I hadn't. You went on and on and on. I thought I might as well be blamed for something I have actually done." Harry bowed his head over the sink, his hands clutching the sides.

"I apologise. I saw the sign and I jumped to conclusions." Snape shook his head wearily, though no emotion was apparent in his black, hollow eyes. "I recognised the signs from my own and was quick to judge."

"I can't do it anymore." Harry whispered, he was still staring into the basin, Snape moved behind him.

"That's good."

"No-" Harry swivelled round and sunk onto the floor, his head in his hands. "I mean I can't resist it anymore, it's too tempting."

Snape kneeled in front of Harry and Harry could see every trace of misery and despair etched into the lines in his skin, his eyes were slightly bloodshot and the black iris's were more dark than ever.

"You can do this."

"I can't."

"How long has it actually been?"

"A few weeks." Harry muttered, Snape looked a little relieved and stood up, straightening his cloak with the usual superior air about him.

"I have to leave you now, Potter." Snape muttered as he faced the door. Harry stood quickly, scratching the back of his head and looking at the floor.

"Alright." Harry shrugged, he discreetly moved his hand into the basin and picked the blade up.

Snape drew his wand and the blade slid quickly from Harry's grasp, cutting into his palm. Snape showed Harry the blade before departing. Sighing, Harry slid back onto the floor and opened his hand. A cut lay a little below his index finger and ended at his little finger, it wasn't deep but was bleeding all the same. He grabbed a wad of tissue paper from the cubicle and exited the bathroom.

---

"Thank you Severus." Albus smiled at Severus who was sat opposite the Headmaster, across from his desk.

"The boy would have done it. I know he has it in him to control it, it's just lack of confidence, I assume." Severus said, his hands in his lap smoothing out creases in his robes. It seemed he spent a lot of time up in Albus's office, usually giving him frequent updates on Potter's behaviour.

"If Harry won't listen to us, perhaps he will listen to Remus."

Severus glowered, eyes narrowed.

"Remus was Sirius's close friend. If Harry is having trouble dealing with grief than who better to talk to then Remus."

Severus reluctantly agreed, he stood up slowly and turned swiftly towards the door.

---

"Alrigh' Harry?" Hagrid grinned as Harry joined the group of Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs. Harry replied with a weak smile, Ron and Hermione ran over to him.

"Where were you?"

"I saw Snape."

"What did he say to you?"

Harry waved them off, meaning he didn't want to talk about it. The scene was already playing on a loop in his mind. Snape's face as Harry teased with the blade, Snape being concerned, Snape confessing to cutting.

"How are yeh?" Hagrid asked Harry as they all started to sketch and label a fairy.

"Fine." Harry lied, he had pressed his quill a little too hard on the page and the tip snapped off. Harry was sweltering under the sun and as he looked around at the class he realised he was the only person sweating.

"Is it me or is it hot?" Harry said, finally giving in and speaking to Hermione. She cast him a concerned look and signalled to a group of Hufflepuffs wearing their cloaks, Harry was stripped to his shirt. Trying to concentrate, he bit his lip and started sketching the female fairy. The lines he was making on the parchment were slipping in and out of focus, they dissolved to grey smudges and back to bold black lines and Harry blinked.

Rubbing his eyes, he felt slightly nauseous. He threw his quill down and tried to get Ron's attention but Ron couldn't tell what he was saying. Am I even saying anything? Harry wildly wondered as he tried and failed to hear his own voice.

"What's wrong, Harry?" Hermione was in focus now, Harry kept his head down, he felt unnaturally hot and could feel beads of sweat on his skin. She felt his forehead and gasped.

"Ron he's boiling! Harry? Have you eaten anything today?"

Harry tried to say something. His throat felt tight and constricted, he tried to stand but swayed on the spot before keeling over and hitting the grass hard.

"Should I get Hagrid?" Ron asked anxiously.

Harry's eyes glazed over and they closed.

_Long time no see, Harry._

_Remember me?_

_Harry nodded. He reached out, the air was cool and misty like he was floating in the clouds. Yet the feeling of sensation wasn't pleasant. Harry felt as though he were being pulled in a hundred different directions, sideways, down and up; but he could hear the voice of Sirius clearly._

_Admit it._

_Admit what? Harry wondered. Harry's question was answered as quick as he had thought it._

_You killed me._

_Harry's arms frantically moved around the mist._

_I did._

_Good. Finally facing up are we? I was wrong about you being like your father. James would never have been so weak as to mutilate his own arms or starve his body until he was nothing. Your dad will be ashamed of you._

_Harry yelled loudly, covering his ears with his arms and squeezing his eyes shut._

_Harry?_

_This was a different voice. A calmer, gentler and kinder voice. Harry slowly lowered his arms and opened his eyes. _

_Dad?_

_His father simply stared back, shaking his head._

_We risked our lives for you. And this is how you repay us?_

_I'm sorry._

_It's too late, Harry. _

_---_

"Harry?"

Remus was standing over Harry in the hospital wing, he had been out cold for at least twenty minutes. Severus watched from a distance as the boy came around, his mouth twitched as if he were saying something and his body was stiff, though his fingertips shook and his eyelids fluttered.

As Severus came to Albus's side, Harry's eyes flew open and for a moment, Severus swore they turned from blazing red to green. Albus noticed this also and looked at Severus sideways.

"Get away from me!" Harry yelled, thrashing to remove the bed sheets, and smacking Remus in the face with the back of his hand. Remus pulled him back.

"Harry? Are you okay?"

Harry looked around as if he didn't know where he was, then looked down at himself as if he didn't know _who_ he was.

"You don't think-?" Severus muttered to Albus before he was cut short by a nod of the Headmaster's head.

"I believe that is exactly what has happened."

Harry sank back into his bed and rubbed his scar. Severus moved over to his side, Remus cast him a filthy look.

"How much of that potion did you drink, Potter?"

Potter didn't answer and continued to rub his scar. Sighing impatiently, Severus probed him for an answer.

"Potter, this is important-"

"They were in my head." He spoke suddenly and Severus looked at both Albus and Remus who were alarmed.

"Sirius and my Dad."

Potter had tears in his eyes. Severus looked away as if this embarrassed him, the boy looked entirely worn out, he looked much worse than he did before Severus gave him the potion. Remus removed his jacket and kneeled down next to Potter.

"That's why I'm here, Harry. Albus asked me to come and talk to you." Potter glanced at him, though his eyes were narrowed in Albus's direction. "About Sirius."

"Why would I want to talk about _him_?" Harry shot Remus a angry look. Severus was surprised that Potter put emphasis on the word 'him' and Remus also looked a little taken-aback.

"Well-" Remus started, pushing a hand through his greying hair. "We thought that you were, doing the things you're doing because of what happened last summer."

"You do, do you?"

Potter grinned sarcastically. The grin was totally out of character and Severus cast a concerned look in Albus's direction, Albus was next to attempt to reason with the boy.

"Harry. You need to tell us what is going on, we can't help unless you let us in." Albus bent down and touched the boy's shoulder. This time he didn't flinch. That must be progress.

"Did you overdose with the potion, Harry?"

---

"What?" Harry asked utterly perplexed, he drew his knees to his chin and rested his head on top. He shook his head angrily and continued to stare at the foot of the bed. Lupin had turned to Snape.

"So what is this potion of yours?" Lupin asked impatiently.

"It's a concealment solution." Snape started, he sounded tired and withdrawn and didn't seem to rise to Lupin's anger. Lupin seemed to be blaming Snape and Snape was taking it. Strange, Harry thought.

"I gave it to Potter. I thought he would appreciate it, it helped me when I was his age. There are side-effects that come with it though, one is feeling invincible, it enables the drinker to feel completely safe in his or her own skin and by doing so… makes the drinker happy."

Severus was still looking at Harry and Harry tried his best to look away but his Professor's cold stare was making it difficult.

"Is that it? Harry? You just wanted to feel happy?" Lupin lowered his voice and spoke as if he were speaking to an emotionally distressed lunatic. Harry felt patronised as all six eyes stared at him.

"Well-" Harry rubbed a strain in his neck and grew hot in the face. "I-I didn't mean to, I mean-" Harry breathed in as it was hard to get his words out. "I just took twice the amount, Snape- I mean sir, told me to."

Lupin rubbed his eyes and shook his head. Albus who had been silent for a few minutes pushed his spectacles lower down his crooked nose and surveyed Harry seriously through them.

"You're going to have to stop taking the potion, Harry-" He put a hand up as Harry opened his mouth in protest. "Listen very carefully to what I am about to say- Ah, maybe we shall all sit through this." He smiled pleasantly and summoned three chairs for Lupin, Snape and himself. When they were all seated, he began to explain slowly.

"It seems, like last year, Voldemort-" Snape drew a sharp intake of breath at his name. "Has been entering your mind. Not intentionally however, and he isn't aware that he is doing so. You see Harry, the potion is- and I compliment Professor Snape when I say this- a very complex potion, it increases the physical defence and by doing so, weakens the emotional defences."

Harry listened intently, throwing Snape casual glances as he continued to stare at Harry. It was becoming rather irritating.

"Think back, Potter, to earlier today. The boy's bathroom. Do you remember what you said to me? You mentioned something -. That was when I realised you were not yourself-" Snape muttered, his eyes boring into Harry's.

"And you know me do you?" Harry snarled.

Dumbledore raised a hand as if to silence them and avoid any squabbling and Snape fell silent.

"Think Harry, this is important."

Harry rolled his eyes impatiently then thought back to that incident.

"_Tell me, sir. How long has it been?"_

"_A few years." _

"Then I dropped the blade." Harry said suddenly and Lupin raised his head intrigued by the situation, he scratched his chin.

"What?" He asked,

"I remember. I remember what I said." Harry looked at Snape who shook his head threateningly and Harry decided not to reveal the part of the conversation. "Then I remember feeling dazed, I stepped back and dropped the blade."

"That's correct." Snape verified. "I realised then that he had obviously come out of some sort of trance-"

"What was this about James and Sirius?" Lupin asked quickly, interrupting Snape. Harry gulped, he really didn't want to talk about it. He didn't want to talk about the cause of the cutting or the self punishment. Especially not to Lupin.

"Oh it was nothing, I just saw their faces." Harry lied.

Lupin raised an eyebrow.

"But you seemed furious when I mentioned Sirius."

"Tell us Harry we won't-"

"FINE!" Harry bellowed causing Lupin to jump. "Fine! I'll tell you! I've been having dreams since _that_ summer, Sirius being there."

"And James?"

"No, well not until now." Harry's heart hammered hard against his ribs and he felt ashamed that his father now thought so little of him. "I really don't want to talk about it." Harry muttered, he looked away from Lupin as he looked crestfallen at not listening to what his two best friends, Sirius and James were saying from beyond the grave.

"Understandable, Harry." Dumbledore smiled, he stood to leave and Snape copied. Lupin however stayed stationary, staring patiently at Harry as though he were about to carry on.

"Come, Remus. I'm sure Harry would like a good, long rest." Lupin nodded in the direction of Dumbledore and Snape but didn't move until Dumbledore touched his shoulder.

"I know that Harry seeing James and Sirius is a comfort to you-" Dumbledore said softly. Snape snorted, Lupin turned calmly to face him.

"I wouldn't be surprised if it were you putting these ideas into his head, Severus."

"Now, Remus-"

"No, Albus. He needs to be told." Lupin glared. Harry had never seen him so angry. He was shaking with fury and his eyes were narrowed in a glare that Harry would associate with Uncle Vernon, just before a beating.

"Do I, Remus? Let's hear what you have to say then."

"Hating Harry's dad and taking it out on him! Hating Sirius! It's all got to stop! I admit, they were unfair to you at school and that must have been unpleasant but taking it out on Harry?"

Snape opened his mouth to speak, but closed it again. His thin lips twitched and he looked to Harry, Harry looked away. He hated being the subject of argument. When he looked back, he looked back just in time to see Snape's robes whip around the corner. Harry felt something he never expected to feel, it came as he thought back to Snape's expression and pieced the information that had been given. He felt sorry for Snape. Pitied him, and disliked Lupin for bringing it up. Unpleasant didn't begin to explain it, Harry thought. Unbearable might have been a better word.

Harry watched as Dumbledore and Lupin left the room before climbing under the sheets and praying that when he awoke, he would be in the Gryffindor common room listening to Ron snore before taking the potion, the potion Harry just had to have.

_**Right, there it is! Longest chapter of the lot… so far ;) I hope to god you guys like it xD I originally had a plan… then I forgot it. Then I remembered it… but only parts, like the scenes in my mind and it took forever to put them all together properly.**_

_**Please review and make me smile :D**_


	9. Back Into Routine

**I'M SORRY. *flails* I know it has been like over a year! I know I should've updated sooner but I just lost track, I still kind of have. I have no idea where this is going. I s'pose this is a filler chapter, just updating you all on how our hero is doing and how he is feeling about starting classes again. He's had a little break y'see. :3**

**Anyway! There is no cutting or any sign of impulsive behaviour in this chapter! Maybe the next one, or the one after that. **

**Thank-you for being patient with me. 3**

Harry couldn't deal with the staring, or the laughing and pointing. He couldn't bear the paranoia that he felt when he would walk in and out of rooms; he felt every eye in the back of his head as if the stares burned into his skull. Hermione and Ron were definitely a big help, but Harry couldn't help feel that sometimes they grew tired of his silent episodes and to Harry's delight; they seemed to have given up.

"How're you feeling today, Harry?" Hermione asked, sitting beside him. It had been two weeks since Harry left the Hospital Wing and he was accustomed to the occasional questioning of his welfare. Harry smiled softly, he wanted to keep Hermione close this time but couldn't burden her any longer.

"Brilliant." He replied feebly, taking out his Potions text book and scanning through the pages. He would be allowed back into classes today, and he was feeling particularly nervous about re-joining the Potions class. Hermione beamed.

"I'm glad to see you studying. It's important, you know."

Harry laughed weakly. It was only Halloween and Harry had studied the entire syllabus in every class. Well not entirely, but he had sure looked at most of it. The Gryffindor common room was decorated from floor to ceiling in the most flamboyant set of decorations possible. He imagined this would be a décor choice favoured by Luna Lovegood. There were dancing skeletons hanging from every corner, the tapestries had cobwebs growing at an alarming rate across them, every arm chair had a ghoul occupying it that had to be asked politely before it would move. Harry enjoyed the spirit of the Gryffindor's that morning, it distracted them from Harry and he couldn't account for a single person that gave him a pitiful glance.

"Coming down to the Great Hall for breakfast, Harry?"

Harry sighed, Hermione had asked him this every day and every time she whimpered slightly as she said it, as if she was scared Harry would bite her head off.

"I'll have to face it sometime, right?"

Hermione beamed once more, and squeezed his arm tightly.

"Come on, we'll get down there before it gets busy. Have you seen-"

Before Hermione could ask the whereabouts of Ron, he came down the stairs draped in a white bedsheet and laughing to himself as he nearly missed his footing. Harry wouldn't have recognised him if it wasn't for the height and feet sticking out from underneath it.

"Isn't this what Muggles do on Halloween?" He asked seriously, removing the sheet and fixing his hair.

"How would I know?" Harry asked, laughing. "The Dursley's weren't exactly the dressing up type."

"Toast, Harry?"

Harry shook his head and stayed content with his pumpkin juice. It was hard enough drinking with the amount of stares and whispers he was receiving. He could even see the professors keeping an eye on him. Especially Snape. Wow, he looked much better Harry thought. He watched Snape leave as soon as he caught Harry's eye. Harry felt rather uncomfortable as he knew he was the reason Snape was leaving.

"Do you want anything to eat?" Hermione probed.

"No. Just leave it." Harry muttered angrily, his mind still on Snape as it had been the past fortnight. He thought back to the last time he saw him, in the hospital wing. The hurtful things Lupin had said to him and he remembered how Snape just took it, he just accepted it.

"I'll see you in Potions." He added, Hermione looked hurt as she probably thought she was making progress. Ron nodded in reply and turned to Hermione, perhaps consoling her.

Harry didn't know where to go. He wanted to run and keep running, he also wanted to rid the pain that had been stabbing his entire body. It was almost like withdrawal symptoms from the cutting, the potion and the hollow feeling as he continued to starve himself. His fists clenched and he gritted his teeth. No matter how close he felt to the 'end' (whatever the end was) he knew he just had to strive on, and he found himself walking reluctantly towards the Potions classroom.

Severus had been dreading this day for weeks now. He sat behind his desk and took a long, sweeping look of his classroom. He imagined scenario's where Potter would look at him, pity him or perhaps smile at him like Severus needed the reassurance. Long fingers rubbed at his forehead, he was growing wearisome and felt as though he had lost his flair. He used to be the Professor that students feared and loathed, and now he felt… flat.

"Sir?"

Severus jumped and immediately shot up from his seat as he recognised the small voice.

"A little early for class, Potter." He snarled. "A little too eager almost…" Severus's voice trailing off as he approached the boy.

He was just the same as when Severus saw him at breakfast, but now he took a longer inspection of his appearance. He seemed as small and thin as he did in the Hospital Wing, his eyes bloodshot and tired. It looked like the boy hadn't slept in years. He glanced at Potter's sleeve, almost wanting to touch his arm, pull up his sleeve and reveal what might or might not be there. Severus didn't need to, as the boy's eyes met his he could read his thoughts too easily.

"Well, at least Dumbledore's little counselling sessions are having some effect." Severus muttered as if in reply to Potter's thoughts. That was the hardest part over, Severus thought in relief. He wondered whether Potter was dreading the same thing, whether he felt he had revealed a little too much to Severus, just as Severus accidentally did to Potter. The boy knew only too much, he knew too much about James and the abuse Severus dealt with at home. It made Severus even angrier to think that someone thought he was weak.

**Review? Let me know if you have any ideas about where I can take this. I'm thinking of giving him a break, maybe Severus can lose control at some point? I don't know! I really don't. **

**OH, by the way. I'm aware that this chapter might seem like I'm edging towards Snarry, but I'm really not. I hate Snarry a lot. The only reason they are both dreading seeing each other is because they feel embarrassed that they have been sort of 'found out'. As a self-harmer I know, it is terribly embarrassing when someone finds out.**

**Sorry for going on and on! *stops self***


	10. Just One Drink

Severus thought he had heard a faint knocking sound at his door. Severus had awoken in his armchair, not quite sure what time or day it was. He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand before opening them to see a discarded whisky bottle on the floor and half a bottle remaining by his feet. He hadn't even used a glass. Could he even remember returning to his quarters after his meeting with Dumbledore? He definitely didn't remember this. He tried to excuse his behaviour by reminding himself of the news he had heard, that Voldemort was making it in his best interest to position students within Hogwarts that were working for him to spy on Harry. He felt Severus wasn't doing a very good job. It occurred to him that he was working with Dumbledore far too much these past few months, and his 'services' to the Dark Lord were in their few. He needed to work harder to prove he was 'worthy' of Voldemort to keep his cover.

The knocking sounded, this time a little louder and Severus knew he wasn't hearing things. As he stood, there was a shrill ringing in his ears and his head felt it had be sliced in two. He stumbled towards his door, not caring that he was swaying and staggering, obviously still a little drunk. He casually waved his wand in the direction of the door and it promptly opened just as Severus reached the doorway.

Potter, was stood in the hallway.

"Yes?" He asked, impatiently, choosing to shield his room from the boys prying eyes. No doubt he could smell the stench of bourbon on his breath as the words came from his mouth.

Harry looked a little startled, but tried to remain collected.

"I've completed the essay." He said quietly, taking in Snape's untidy appearance with his inquisitive stare.

"Well done," The Potions Master replied sarcastically, sneering as he spoke. "Hand it to me during lesson, Potter, like always."

"It's just-" Harry shifted his feet. "I have a meeting with Dumbledore in half an hour and that means I won't be in class to hand it in." Snape's eyes widened and he ducked his head back inside to glance at the clock on his mantelpiece. It was one in the afternoon. He had missed two classes this morning. He snatched the essay from the boy's hands.

"Did you knock before?" He asked, curiously and Harry shook his head before leaving Snape alone in the hallway. He quickly glanced in both directions before retreating back inside. How could he have let himself get in this state? No doubt, Dumbledore had been to check up on him earlier, and now he was due for a 'is everything okay?' type conversation with the bloody man. He attempted to tidy the space in the living room before drinking his potion and heading down to the dungeons.

_At least Potter won't be there, he thought, gladly._

Harry had actually believed Snape had been taking more care of himself, he had grown to truly believe it. But, after their last conversation, he was beginning to worry again. He wondered whether or not to tell Dumbledore what was happening, but he had a feeling Dumbledore already knew.

"So, I want you to make sure you only speak to those you trust, Harry." Dumbledore was surveying him through, the crooked glasses perched on his nose. Smiling, like he always does. Harry felt he should say something.

"Sir-" But, Dumbledore had raised a hand as if to silence him, still smiling he gave a small chuckle. "If you wish to inform me of Professor Snape's unruly time-keeping, then I must say I am already fully aware." The smile had slipped from his lips. "Though, I must admit, I feel it is getting a little worrying-" Dumbledore looked as if he had said something he shouldn't have. "- Anyway, I assume Ron and Hermione will be waiting for you in the Great Hall for supper, I must say I'm most looking forward to eating some of that Shepherd's Pie!" And with that as an invitation, Harry stood to leave and Dumbledore escorted him out of his office.

Severus had endured a grueling lesson with the sixth year class, he was even beginning to get impatient with his own Slytherin students especially the likes of Crabbe and Goyle who couldn't brew the most simple potion without it turning into a full scale catastrophe. He wondered how they had ever managed to get this far, to the NEWT level.

He wandered aimlessly around the castle, and out onto the grounds. It was bitterly cold and the sky was turning a murky purple as the sun was setting. He stood for a while and inhaled the cold winter air, looking out over the lake. He knew he would have to face Dumbledore eventually and explain why he had missed the morning teaching, and Severus couldn't even be bothered to invent a plausible excuse. All he could think about was having a drink, and that worried him. The more he thought about having a drink, the more worried he became and the more he needed a drink to extinguish that feeling of dread and worry. And he hated himself more and more. He left the grounds and decided to mark some overdue essays back in his office, with a drink to help of course.

He had barely marked one sentence before he felt agitated and headed for his stock cupboard. He grabbed the nearest bottle of Firewhisky and yanked the cork from the top with his teeth. He drank straight from the bottle, feeling less numb and stressed as the liquid burned his throat and calmed his nerves. Where this feeling of being nervous came from, he hadn't a clue. He grabbed a glass and found himself topping it up after every mouthful and soon, the bottle was nearly empty. He had scarcely marked half of the second-year essays. That faint knock at the door sounded and Severus cursed under his breath as he had forgotten about going to see Dumbledore… And he had had a drink. Cursing loudly, he reluctantly opened the door for him, avoiding his smile and those pale blue eyes that were full of concern and care.

"Severus." He spoke quietly, but Severus couldn't bear to look at him.

**I'm so, so, so, so sorry that I have been neglecting this story. I hate myself for it! But I promise with alllll my heart that I'm back and I'm definitely going to complete this story. I have a plan. BOOM. :3 So, yes. Don't give up on me just yet ;)  
****Hope you all like it! The next chapter will be the conversation between Snape and Dumblefore then it'll leaaaap forward to Harry leaving for Christmas, and there'll be a plot turn ;)**

**Thank you all of you for sticking with this!**


	11. To New Beginnings and Old Ways

A few moments had passed in which Severus had been looking at Dumbledore, he rolled his eyes in attempt to disguise his anguish and smirked as he tried to appear less stressed. Of course, Dumbledore saw right through him. Those familiar blue eyes made Severus feel guilty and every time he looked into them, he felt even more terrible.

"Don't start with your accusations, Albus." Severus was still stood in the crack of the door, he knew Dumbledore's interfering nature. But, even Severus knew it wasn't interference but concern; concern for his wellbeing, for his mental state. Severus was balancing on the edge of a knife; it would only take a single blow to knock him right off. The alcohol, to him, was a soothing comfort. A comfort that he could not get from anywhere or anyone else, even from the man who stood before him.

"I am aware of my tardiness. I am also fully aware that I have-"

Albus raised a hand and smiled faintly, the smile lingered on his lips as he spoke.

"I am not accusing Severus, I am merely asking you." The smile wavered. "Will you invite me inside?" Severus knew, as did Dumbledore, that as soon as he opens the door the untold will become spoken. Spoken by the wine bottles and the whisky bottles discarded all over his floor. The shards of glass from smashed bottles lying on the carpet, the stains from the red wine splattered on his wallpaper. That would be enough to tip the knife Severus was standing on.

He ignored Dumbledore. "What are you asking me?" He spat, stepping into the hallway and shutting the door behind him. Dumbledore looked defeated and sighed gently.

"Don't worry, Severus. You have just answered it." And with his pitying words, he smiled at Severus, placing an old hand on the man's shoulder. Severus felt utterly numb, and with a slip of his wand between his fingers, he opened the door behind him, an overwhelming feeling of dread washed over him. Dumbledore merely stepped inside, Severus was transfixed by the door, not daring to follow him, he pushed a hand through his hair, shutting his eyes and cursing loudly. Dumbledore hadn't said a word.

"Albus I-" He started as he turned back towards the man. He didn't know what he was going to say. That he was weak? That he couldn't deal with being a spy for Voldemort? That he had… a problem?

"No matter, Severus. We can get this cleaned up." Dumbledore smiled, and within seconds the room looked clean and tidy again. Severus sank into his armchair as Dumbledore, collecting the empty, half-empty and full bottles of alcohol, laughed gently.

"Let's take these away, shall we?" He spoke as if he were taking toys away from a child. "I shall not press the subject any further, I feel I have caused enough embarrassment-"

Severus shook his head and invited Dumbledore to the seat opposite. His head was swimming with thoughts he could not escape, and he dwelled on them a little as Dumbledore surveyed him through perched fingers. He thought at this moment, he should offer the man a drink, but it wasn't exactly the wisest thing to do. There was a small table separating the two men, Dumbledore had arranged the bottles before him on the table and looked at Severus.

"So," Dumbledore started, smiling to himself as he took his gaze away from Severus to the table. "This is what you have been up to." There were at least thirty bottles.

"What do you want me to say, Albus?" Severus couldn't stay still, and stood up, towering over the man who was still seated. "That I have a problem?" The thought swam back into the front of his mind, and as the words spat from his mouth, he became angry. He was angry that his secret had been discovered, that he was caught out to be weak, especially by Dumbledore.

"I think that is clear, Severus."

Severus's black eyes narrowed and he felt his blood boil rapidly, he felt sheer hatred for Dumbledore in that moment.

"Don't you see what you're doing to youself. I understand your situation is difficult. I know after Lily and the way Harry has been lately that this is pressure on you. I know your pain and I know that you are suffering. I feel I am to blame for my misjudgment." Dumbledore whispered, slowly lifting himself from the chair and facing Severus, looking into his twisted face. In a moment of wild anger, Severus threw the table across the room, the bottles smashing as they slammed into the stone wall. And Severus was breathing furiously. He was unable to speak. Dumbledore's sparkling blue eyes hadn't left the black ones still glaring at him. After a moment, that seemed to last a lot longer, Dumbledore left and Severus sank to his knees. He silently began to cry.

Harry was quite pleased to see Snape back in lessons. Ron didn't share the same joy. It seemed Snape had a lot of teaching to make up for and he channeled this through the homework they had been given. It was three times longer than usual. Ron was whining all the way back to the common room.

"I guess we'd better get started." Harry had said as soon as they had sat down. And it took them well into the night to finish it. Even Hermione looked beaten. The two had left him alone near the fireplace as they went to bed. Harry couldn't help but think of Snape. He had appeared much more like himself, his eyes looked less weary and he hadn't that stink of whisky on his breath. Harry had even thought he'd smiled at him when Harry entered the classroom. It wasn't so much as a smile, but a knowing look as Harry thought about it. But it made him feel at ease and he needn't worry anymore and with this thought to comfort him, Harry drifted to sleep by the fire.

_Three weeks later._

"Potter."

He knew that slick voice, Harry turned around to see his Potions Master coming up behind him. Harry smiled, but as soon as he did he wondered why, as Snape hadn't reciprocated. He quickly rolled his eyes to avoid awkwardness.

"Sir?" He asked, and Snape walked straight past him, standing by an unused classroom door.

"May I have a word with you… in private?" He'd asked quietly, and Harry nodded and Snape led them into the empty room. When inside, Harry settled himself on a table and Snape stood against the wall. There was barely room for two people.

"Have you considered your options for the Christmas holidays? Where you will be staying?" He asked, and Harry replied gulping. "Yes." Snape raised an eyebrow. "You mean to say you are voluntarily returning to those Muggles?"

Harry nodded again, his throat felt tight and his mouth was dry. He hadn't actually thought about it, he tried not to think about spending two weeks with his Uncle… but he knew that's where he had to return or there'd be hell to pay over the Summer. Snape took Harry gently by the shoulders and looked into his eyes. They were tearful.

"We're here to help you, Dumbledore and I. You could stay at the Weasley's, you could stay here-" Harry shook his head, wiping his eyes with the side of his hand. He felt stupid crying in front of Snape.

"I can't- you don't understand."

"In fact I do. And as your teacher and someone who is debt to protect you, I am making the decision for you. I will meet you on the platform and I'll make sure you don't leave with your Aunt and Uncle."

Snape is in debt to protect me? In who's debt? Harry wondered before assuming he meant Dumbledore and the rest of the order and with no hesitation, Harry agreed to go the Weasleys. As much as Harry longed to have Christmas at the Burrow, he knew it wasn't worth the abuse he'd suffer if he didn't go back. Vernon had made it quite clear that Harry was to return there at Christmas. And Harry would.

**I hope you all enjoyed this! There are a few Snarry moments ;) I'm not sure whether to go for Snarry, but it has grown on me! Perhaps, it would make the plot stronger, I don't know really. I feel this chapter was a little weak as I didn't really explain how Snape was beginning to get better and over his addiction, but I felt I had focused a little too much on his alcoholism and not enough on the main story. Please, let me know what you think! :) R&R like always!**

**(Right- I've decided. You guys can vote for it! Let me know if you want a Snarry or not! Just leave it in a review ^_^) **


	12. The Plan

It was the last day of term. Tomorrow the students of Hogwarts would be leaving for their Christmas holidays, back home to their families to enjoy and revel in the festivities of the season. Harry's would be quite different. He was apprehensive that his plan to escape wouldn't go unnoticed; he assumed Snape would be keeping a very close eye on him. That morning, Harry, Ron and Hermione were down at the Great Hall for a hearty breakfast. Ron was reeling in the excitement of a two week holiday.

"I can't wait." He said through mouthfuls of food. "You're going to love it at ours, Mum always goes over the top with the decorations." He grinned "I bet you've never seen a proper family Christmas." He choked in mid-swallow, and frowned. "I meant a wizard, family Christmas" Ron spluttered, looking desperately at Hermione. She shot him a scornful look.

"It was kind of Professor Snape to arrange it all." She reminded Harry, like he needed reminding. He felt terrible, as if he was betraying him, letting him down. There was a lump in his throat and he tried to agree but he couldn't. Harry just nodded and Hermione smiled.

"Not hungry?" She asked, Harry shook his head. "No." He shifted the food around his plate and took to sipping water from his goblet. Hermione was watching him from the corner of her eye before her attention turned to a certain Potions Master who was approaching the Gryffindor table. Neville, who was sat a few seats down squeaked in fright as Snape passed him. The lump in Harry's throat grew larger.

"Potter, might I have a word?" Harry nodded, seeing this as an excuse to leave. "I'll let you finish your breakfast-" Snape started before Harry spoke. "I've already eaten. I'm not hungry." He quickly muttered, unconvincingly. Snape raised an eyebrow and escorted him out of the hall. He could hear Hermione in conversation with Ron as he left them. They stopped to speak outside the Great Hall, students were passing them without a second glance.

"Professor Dumbledore has agreed to let me accompany you." Snape spoke in a low voice, his eyes weren't looking at Harry but everywhere else as if he was looking for someone. "I will meet you when you get off the Hogwarts Express and I'll leave you when I see you go with the Weasleys." He looked stern. "The Muggles won't be coming for you, I sent them a letter by owl this morning telling them of your alterative arrangements."

Harry's eyes widened for a second before he tried to look grateful that Snape had done all this for him. He muttered a 'thank you' and turned to walk away. A hand grabbed him by the arm.

"Don't worry." He whispered, giving Harry a strong look. "You'll be safe at the Burrow." Safe from who? Harry thought. Voldemort? Harry wasn't afraid of Voldemort, he was more afraid of his Uncle and especially now. Vernon would be fuming to hear that Harry disobeyed him. Harry gave a faint smile, as genuinely as he could before slipping away and retreating back to the common room.

"What did Snape want with you?" Ron asked yawning as they returned from the last Quidditch practice of the term. They were completely frozen, Harry's skin had turned a nasty shade of purple and he felt his legs would fall off. It was nice to fly, it cleared Harry's head. He enjoyed flying at night, he liked to get close to the sky.

"Oh, it was just stuff for tomorrow. Y'know…" Harry's voice trailed off as he noticed an unfamiliar black owl perched by his bed. The owl had a letter in its beak. It was a plain white envelope with a biro pen scrawl. Not the usual parchment and ink. It was a muggle and Harry knew who. Harry snatched the letter from behind his back without Ron noticing and slipped it under his pillow.

"What's that owl doing here?" Ron wondered, it was pecking at Harry for payment. "Has it brought anything?"

Harry shrugged his shoulders the bird was screeching loudly. Ron laughed. "Give him a treat and shut it up."

When Ron had fallen asleep, Harry turned in his bed and carefully slit the envelope open with the tip of his wand. He pulled the small note out with shaky hands, he felt nauseous. Harry read it quickly as if it would ease his worry and he continued to read it over and over, tears started to glaze his vision. It simply read: 'don't disobey me' in strong black ink, as if he had gone over each letter several times for emphasis. Harry felt frightened and he didn't know what to do. In some strange way he felt he had to go back, he didn't want to be disloyal, he wanted to keep the peace. But, he didn't want to cause any trouble for Snape or the Weasleys. He had to go back, that was clear.

That next morning, Harry awoke early to pack his things without interference. He picked up the light, silvery invisibility cloak and tucked it inside a deep pocket in his coat. He discarded the coat on top of his trunk and brought them down to the common room where he fell asleep for an hour before Ron arrived down.

"All packed, mate?" He smiled, giving Harry an encouraging look. Harry forced a grin in return, looking 'excited' to the prospect of spending Christmas with the Weasleys. They went down for breakfast where Harry, feeling positively sick, couldn't eat even a slice of toast much to the concern of Hermione and of Snape who turned up a little later, feeding him a disapproving but worried look as he strode past them. When they arrived on the train, Hermione tried to take his coat from him but Harry shot her a furtive look and said he was cold and instead she put hers and Ron's in the overhead compartment. The journey back was always the worst for every student who felt Hogwarts was their home. Hermione had mentioned she wouldn't be joining them at the Burrow; she was staying in France for the duration of the Christmas break. And when they reached the station, Harry's heart began to hammer against his chest.

"Are you alright, Harry?" Hermione asked. "You know, I don't think they'll turn up…" Harry hastily got off the train and saw Snape standing by the barrier between Platform 9 ¾ and Kings Cross Station.

Harry joined Snape and Snape looked at him for a moment before saying anything.

"The Muggles aren't here." He believed the same as Hermione, that Harry was worried for that reason. Harry gulped, and let himself be escorted through the barrier with Snape. When they reached the other side, he could see a gathering of red-headed children stood by two older wizards. Ron, Ginny, Fred and George were accompanied by their mother and Kingsley Shacklebolt. As Harry and Snape approached them. Kingsley gave him a wink. "I'm here just incase." He smiled. Harry had half-expected Lupin to be here… that might have given him some comfort. Harry looked towards Snape, he hadn't left yet. How was Harry going to get away? Snape was stood a few metres away from them, Harry was frantically looking in all directions to quickly decide where to go.

"If we're all ready then." Kingsley started to walk away, Weasleys following but Harry stayed still. "Can I go to the toilet?" He asked, feeling a little faint. Molly came over fussing.

"What is it dear? You don't look so good. You can't apparate in this state. Oh dear, you do look dreadful." She felt his forehead, Harry was burning up. He felt hot and he was sweating. Snape was staring at him, still keeping his distance. What could Harry do to escape?

"I'm fine, I just need to go-" Harry broke free of Mrs Weasley and started to walk towards the toilets, he was walking quickly now, not sure where he was going, he didn't even know if he was going the right way. There were footsteps behind him. Harry started to run.

"Potter!"

It was Snape calling after him, his heart sank and he reached inside his pocket for the cloak. There was nothing else to do, he'd have to wear it now. Taking a sharp turn, trying to lose Snape in the crowd, he found a wall in which he stood behind and slipped the cloak over himself. His heart lifted, that was easy. As he emerged, he could see Snape wildly looking in all directions for Harry. Harry stopped still and watched him for a while. Snape looked genuinely worried for him. This hurt Harry the most. As he passed him, careful not to brush into him, he whispered 'sorry' in close enough proximity for Snape to hear him and left the station.

**It always looks much more on Word! It looks so short on here. Anywhooo, this is all in Harry's POV which is a rare thing! I hope you all liked it, my heart was actually racing when I was writing the last paragraphs! Thank you for all your reviews and ideas about the Snarry situation. It seems you all like it as it is and wouldn't mind a Snarry, but some people hate the idea. So, I'd rather go with what you all like and that's a mentor fic. I mean, that's what it started off as right?**

**:) **


	13. Torment

Harry's breath caught him hard as the winter air froze in his lungs and he felt unable to breathe. He felt torn between doing what was right, and escaping to what was easy.

Harry remembered Snape revealing his 'debt' to him and Harry felt sick to the stomach. He hadn't a clue what the 'debt' was, whether it was debt he made with Dumbledore or someone else who wanted Harry to be kept from harm. Harry despised being fussed over, especially when he was coping with it in the best way he could. He rubbed at his wrist absent-mindedly and apprehensively started to walk in the direction of the main road. The car park was alive with cars coming and going, families, couples, students all hurrying into the station and rushing back out. Harry being only small, could easily camouflage himself in the flurry of people. Harry had reached the far end of the car park, when he heard a voice call out. It had said his name. It was Lupin. Harry threw himself on the ground between two parked cars and held his breath.

'Harry!' The voice called again, it sounded closer. Harry winced as he slowly got to his hands and knees and began to crawl out. He remained crouched on the ground, his hands slowly turning purple as they grew numb from the icy concrete. He heard gentle footsteps followed by heavy frantic steps closely behind. 'He's not here, Lupin.' He heard Snape mutter impatiently. Lupin hadn't replied but Harry heard some quicker footsteps closer to him. He shuffled around the other side of the car, hoping to remain unseen. How long would Vernon wait for? Was he already here? Getting increasingly angry with Harry's lack of punctuality and time keeping? Harry swore under his breath and decided to make a run for it. Checking in both directions, and ducking his head to look behind, he was sure neither Snape nor Lupin would see him…

'We'll have to tell Dumbledore…' Lupin whispered. Harry lifted himself off the ground and peered through a car window where he could see Snape and Lupin talking in hushed voices. Snape's eyes were darting in every direction and as he turned back around they looked straight at Harry. Harry's eyes met Snape's for a moment or so. Harry tried to convey his apology. Snape didn't even blink, his eyes gave him a sort of reproachful but apologetic glower. Harry mouthed 'sorry' and broke his gaze, just before Snape had time to alert Lupin and just before both men broke at a run towards Harry. Harry regretfully slipped the cloak on and remained hidden in a patch of foliage in the very far corner of the car park. He watched as Lupin half-ran around the cars, ducking every so often to check under them. Snape was walking around slowly, Harry couldn't read his expression it was something between fear and worry but Snape being Snape, it was very difficult to read. Harry couldn't help but watch him… intently.

Harry's thoughts were interrupted by a skid of wheels and a slamming of a car door and he turned to the distraction. It was Vernon. He was stood by his boxy car. Alone.

Harry began to panic. He couldn't get into the car still wearing the cloak… He knew how much his uncle hated magic. But he couldn't take the cloak off, Snape and Lupin were still prowling the scene. Harry tentatively took careful steps in the direction of his uncle. Snape had turned away and was walking back towards the station. Lupin reluctantly did the same. Harry whipped the cloak off and ran. Upon seeing his nephew, Vernon's face broke into a grin and he laughed coldly. A clammy hand tightly grabbed at his arm and Harry was thrown onto the backseat. Vernon turned around, yellow teeth bared. There was drops of sweat of his brow and his face was turning a shade of puce. 'Take a good look, boy.' Vernon hissed, spit piercing the air as he spat each syllable. 'Breathe in that fresh air,' he dramatically took a long sniff, nostrils flaring. He smacked his lips, sweat beading his moustache and slammed the car door shut and began to start the car. 'This is the last time you'll ever set foot outside.' He croaked a wheezy laugh and reversed the car out. Harry felt his heart grow stone cold, and sink to his stomach. He painfully looked in the direction of the station seeing Snape stood back to the wall, staring at Harry. Harry wondered whether he would see anyone ever again. He only had himself to blame.

Severus sat alone, swirling a glass of brandy with long fingers and staring hard into the bottom of the glass. He brought the crystal rim to his thin lips and opened his mouth, slowly drinking it down. He silently poured another glass, setting the bottle down on the dusty surface. He was unaware that Dumbledore had sat beside him. 'It isn't doing you any good here.' Dumbledore muttered. Severus didn't stir. He downed his second glass. Dumbledore sighed and got up from the table. 'So this is where you go every night? To torment yourself? I can't see why you need to... Lily-' Snape slammed his glass down so hard the crystal stem snapped into pieces. He looked up at Dumbledore. 'The boy...' He breathed. 'Harry will return to the Order if he feels he needs to. Perhaps you should come down to one of the meetings, we only have Harry's best interest at heart, Severus.' When Severus didn't speak, Dumbledore continued. 'We have Remus keeping watch during the day and Kingsley on duty at nightfall. But, they have other priorities and I know Harry trusts you more than anyone, Severus. You could help him now.' Severus put his head in his heads and breathed heavily. 'I could have stopped him. I should have realised.' Dumbledore put a comforting hand on his shoulder. 'It's been a week,' Severus continued in anguish 'Who knows what those bastards-' Severus flinched as if his thoughts had cut through him. 'It'll make all the difference now,' said Dumbledore 'and if we move quickly, we might still make it for dinner. Molly has prepared a delicious stew...' Both men left the room, and exited out onto the street. Dumbledore disapparated first, and Severus disapparated next and in a matter of seconds they were both stood looking up at 7 Grimmauld Place. Severus had left Godric's Hollow and the Potter's House in his memories, he wanted to focus on the future and leave the past where it belonged. He wouldn't return there again.

**I am back. I know I keep leaving you all. I'm sorry. I have some good news! I got into university, I'm moving to Chester in a week to study Journalism so I'll have lots of spare time between lectures and hangovers to update. I promise I will update every week. You can hold me to that. I hope you enjoyed it. I actually enjoyed writing it, which is a rarity these days... I just feel so uninspired. There's a few Snarry moments that I hope you all picked up on ;) Review as always, I really appreciate all your lovely comments. **


	14. It Gets Worse

A small finger traced the faint scars across Harry's wrist. His eyes were glazed over and he was staring blankly at the door. Any moment now, he thought. And as quickly as the thought came to Harry, there was a loud creaking on the stairs. A few thuds sounded from the hallway, then the sound of the door being unbolted, the chain swinging free from the door. Then there was a turn of a key. Harry was crouched beneath the windowsill, the window had been boarded up but there was a crack in the panels that invited an inch of sunlight through. He rose cautiously, steadying himself against the wall and the sunlight illuminated the side of Harry's face. His face was hollow, the shadows lined his sharp cheekbone, and his lips were dry and pale. His green eyes behind his glasses were as strong as ever, they were glistening with ferocity. Harry didn't give a damn anymore. He was once terrified of his uncle, scared to move, scared to answer back, scared to challenge him. This last week, Harry had silently decided that he had absolutely nothing to lose. Vernon wouldn't let him leave the house. There wasn't a chance in hell that Harry would be going back to Hogwarts and without his wand, he was defenceless.

The door creaked open and a small bony hand reached towards Harry. It was Petunia. Harry quietly moved over to her and the hand shot back, the door closing. Harry stepped away. 'Stupid woman,' he heard Vernon growl, and Harry glared, his hand reaching for his absent wand. 'What have I told you-' Harry heard hushed whispers and hesitantly approached the door, he opened it until he door was ajar and Harry peeked through- Vernon and Petunia were halfway down the hall, he had her against the wall an arm against her throat… Petunia was in tears, the hem of her dress had been lifted above her thighs… she caught Harry's eye and threw him a furtive glare. Harry understood it and when Vernon was facing the other way he made a run for the stairs. There was no possible way Harry could have succeeded without making a single noise. The creak of the floorboards beneath Harry's feet caught his uncle's attention and Vernon eyes were wild as he saw Harry run for the stairs. He screamed and threw Petunia to the ground before making a leap for Harry. Harry dodged him, and Vernon collided with the banister, Harry tripped as his uncles hand pushed him hard and fell to the bottom of the stairs. His eyes were swimming with tears as his head ploughed into the wall near the front door. Vernon faltered as he stood, Petunia grabbed him by the shoulders and tried to stop him charging down the stairs. Harry yanked the cupboard door open and collected his things together. He hastily stowed his wand into his waistband and grabbed his trunk, heaving it towards the door. His free hand reached up towards the door handle…

'Not so fast, boy.' Harry was thrown backwards; his body collided with the laminate flooring and his uncle was towering over him. Vernon was wheezing with laughter, his face dripping with sweat and his purple complexion added to his demented expression. He licked his lips before coming closer to Harry his eyes feral and his breathing rapid…

'Severus, would you like some… more stew?' Molly asked stupidly, seeing Severus's untouched bowl and she continued along the table. He was sat with the Order, Dumbledore was sat beside him on his right and Arthur was on his left. He could feel their interfering glances every so often.

'That was lovely, Molly.' Dumbledore smiled. 'Thank you, Albus.' She beamed, sitting back down with a triumphant look about her. On the opposite side of the table sat the Weasley children, Granger and Tonks. Molly was at the head of the table facing Lupin on the opposite end. Lupin had left his stew untouched also. Severus sneered as Lupin left the table. All eyes were on Lupin as he took small steps towards the door.

'I think Severus should be on duty tonight.' He muttered, turning to face the table. All eyes turned on Severus and his eyes narrowed at Lupin. Albus was the one who replied. 'We'll discuss it after dinner, Remus.' He smiled, but his voice sounded final.

Granger raised a hand. 'Yes, Miss Granger?' Albus spoke softly and Hermione slowly put her hand back down 'Excuse me Professor, but we-' Weasley shot her a threatening look. 'I mean- I wanted to know what the Order was on duty for?' She whimpered as if she might be scolded for asking too much but she continued. 'Is it for Harry?' she whispered, eyes filling with tears. The rest of the Weasley children looked intently at Dumbledore, Tonks was signalling to Lupin to ask him to sit back down. Lupin obeyed.

'Yes, Hermione.' Lupin sighed, 'It's for Harry.' He said as he pulled his chair up. 'I know you want to know if he is safe. We all do. It's just difficult-' He put his head in his hands and Tonks ran over to him, comforting him they seemed to be in a deep conversation about something. Albus turned to Granger. 'You see, Miss Granger, we can't interfere like we would in any normal circumstance. As they are Muggles, and Harry's legal guardians we cannot do much to help.' Tonks and Lupin left the room together. 'What is Lupin doing then?' Ron questioned, angrily as soon as Lupin was out of earshot. 'Why doesn't he do something about it? He's there every night isn't he?' Albus nodded but it was Molly who spoke. 'Ron! We can't just go up to the door and demand to have Harry back. They're his family!' Ron snorted in disapproval and swung back on his chair. 'Molly's right.' Arthur was standing up now. 'They're Muggles! We can't be seen attacking Muggles!' 'Nobody said anything about attacking them…' Ron muttered under his breath.

Harry was back in his room. Alone. He was crouched by the windowsill, his body shaking ferociously and his face stained with tears. He scratched at his face angrily; refusing to let himself cry. I'm not weak, I'm not weak… he chanted in his head. But as he let his hands fall to the ground he began to doubt that. The shirt that was clinging to his back with sweat was torn, he hugged his body as he rocked backwards and forwards slowly, his eyes wide open and blank. He couldn't help but glance at his wrists, how pale and clean they looked… the temptation was overpowering, it was like a thirst… it was stronger than his desire for food, it was stronger than his desire to be rescued. He glanced at the empty glass of water that had been lying there for days… he closed his eyes, half of him wanted it, half of him wanted to be stronger. But how could he be strong? 'Snape wants you to be strong.' A voice rang in his head. 'I don't care.' Harry retorted, but he knew this wasn't true. He would be betraying Snape's trust if he let the temptation get to him. But where was Snape now when Harry needed him the most? This thought had haunted Harry all week and it gave him all the reason he needed…

**I hate how short it looks on here. It makes me die a little inside. Well, this was a quick update. I hope you enjoy it! Thanks for all the suggestions in your reviews... I've taken them into consideration :3**


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